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[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 08:23:13 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Fart Football:

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes
gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score.
"
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7"
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat
is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally
shits in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 08:24:13 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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(no text)

[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 08:25:02 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Visiting the lawyer
A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and
they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female.
The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer
managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had
happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and
there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle
and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male
ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told
you that the Czech is in the male?"

[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 08:25:36 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a
new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage,
her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images
would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception,
etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 08:28:02 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.
The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the
ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I
can have my way with you from behind!" The woman thought it over and
told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell
phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said " When he
drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before
he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What
happened?" the girlfriend asked. The lady said " That M.F. had 500
dollars in quarters!"

[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 15:20:52 EST from Rocci @ Anansi-Del

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Yellowstone is in Wyoming.

[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 15:20:53 EST from georbit @ Haven BBS

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The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

HAHAHAHAHA

[#] Tue Dec 07 2004 17:12:46 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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I know it's in Wyoming. I don't write 'em I just post 'em.;)

[#] Wed Dec 08 2004 12:21:45 EST from wizard of aahz @ Haven BBS

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Cheers for the penguin.. <laughs hard>

[#] Sat Dec 11 2004 07:55:31 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Top 10 Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents


10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh
wow -- Q-Tips".

9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving
wrapping paper.

8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.

7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.

6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're
Cheap!!!".

5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on
E-Bay.

4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him
two hours alone with Brittney Spears.

3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to
convert to Islam.

2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.

1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

[#] Sat Dec 11 2004 08:00:02 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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(no text)

[#] Sat Dec 11 2004 08:02:25 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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(no text)

[#] Sun Dec 12 2004 08:28:43 EST from Bafleyanne @ PixelBBS

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(no text)

[#] Mon Dec 13 2004 10:02:49 EST from Zaya @ PixelBBS

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that's an old one but still amusing... certainly not real as stated in the first paragraph though...

[#] Mon Dec 13 2004 20:50:59 EST from Miss Jaime @ PixelBBS

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter s window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.

[#] Sat Dec 18 2004 10:37:25 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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(no text)

[#] Sat Dec 18 2004 10:38:04 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer." or "There's Michael, he's a doctor."

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher...
She's dead. "

[#] Sat Dec 18 2004 10:40:40 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A tour bus driver was driving a bus full of seniors down a highway.
He was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him
a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munched up. After 15 minutes,

she tapped him on his shoulder again and handed him another handful
of peanuts. She repeated this gesture about eight times.
The ninth time, he asked the little old lady why they did not eat
the peanuts themselves. She replied that it was not possible because
of their old teeth, and they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asked puzzled. The old lady answered, "We
just love the chocolate around them."

[#] Sat Dec 18 2004 10:48:15 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Little Johnny
One day, a class of third graders from the city were taking a field trip
to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all
the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one
little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl.

"Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little
girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are
what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you
know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you
milk them

[#] Mon Dec 20 2004 21:57:28 EST from harry @ Dog Pound BBS II

Subject: confidence

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While ferrying workers back and forth from our offshore oil rig, the helicopter I was on lost power and went down. Fortunately, it landed safely in a lake. Struggling to get out, one man tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.

"Don't jump!" the pilot called out. "This thing is supposed to float!"

As the man leapt from the helicopter into the lake, he yelled back, "Yeah, and it's supposed to fly too!"




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