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[#] Tue Aug 09 2011 10:11:17 EDT from Ford II @ Uncensored

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I daresay that nixonomicon was inspired by my handle. re amusing.org

[#] Tue Aug 09 2011 15:53:12 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Hey, wtf happened to our amusing.org feed?

Ok, I've re-created the room. It's a hidden room. Go there if you want to see it.

[#] Wed Aug 10 2011 08:41:47 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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I'm glad amusing is finally back.

[#] Wed Aug 10 2011 10:37:23 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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Tue Aug 09 2011 03:53:12 PM EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored
Hey, wtf happened to our amusing.org feed?

Ok, I've re-created the room. It's a hidden room. Go there if you want to see it.

Is it hidden if you publicly announce it?



[#] Wed Aug 10 2011 15:15:41 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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It's not hidden to make it a secret; it's hidden in order to keep the default room list uncluttered. In the not too distant future I plan to put rooms like this in a wiki page somewhere on the site where you will be able to see "optional" places to visit.

[#] Wed Aug 10 2011 16:18:18 EDT from skpacman @ Uncensored

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You should title the wiki page that lists the 'Hidden' rooms:

"The Ghosts" - Our hidden rooms you might be interested in.

-- 
Stephen D King
skpacman8629@gmail.com



[#] Thu Aug 11 2011 14:17:13 EDT from Sig @ Uncensored

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A man bought a kayak but kept getting cold out on the water, so he built a fire. It promptly caught fire and sank, demonstrating that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

[#] Thu Aug 25 2011 15:16:54 EDT from Ford II @ Uncensored

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I came up with the funniest fucking joke yesterday and it's the kind of joke that will offend some percentage of the population but that's fine, if they can't take a joke...

You guys ever see the harlem globetrotters? They're a group of really talented basketball players, and they play exibition games as a show or vice versa. I saw them once or twice when I was a kid, and it's really funny.
They grab the pretzel guy's food and throw it into the crowd and stuff like that.
They play a game against the washington somethingorothers, and at one point during the game, they have this gag, where when the other team is shooting a free throw, one of the globetrotters runs up behind the guy and pulls his pants down. It's funny, he does it a few times.
Here's my joke. Imagine that situation in today's times. The guy shooting the free throw already has his pants hanging down, the globetrotter runs up behind the guy and ...... pulls his pants up!

[#] Fri Aug 26 2011 23:01:06 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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I have this variation on that theme...

I want to get a couple of young kids who wear their pants down to help me with this...

I'll dress up like an old man, with my shorts pulled up to my nipples, and run up to the young kids and pull up on their pants like I'm pissed off.

[#] Mon Aug 29 2011 11:53:43 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Suspenders for everyone!

(err ... that would be "braces" for those of you on the other side of the pond)

[#] Mon Aug 29 2011 22:06:49 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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But only if you wear a belt with the suspenders.



[#] Wed Aug 31 2011 08:00:28 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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A garter belt?

[#] Wed Aug 31 2011 10:59:12 EDT from skpacman @ Uncensored

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Three men stumble drunk out of a bar into the street, where they're hit by a passing bus.

They're killed instantly and find themselves standing together in front of the pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks baffled and confused. "I'm not sure where to put you guys. You weren't particularly good your whole lives, and you weren't really evil either, aside from the regular sins..."

The Devil chimes in and says "How about this deal: I'll take them for 10,000 years, and you can have them forever after that."

St. Peter nods his head in agreement. The Devil snaps his fingers and they suddenly find themselves in hell.

The Devil makes a deal with the three guys: "Since you weren't particularly good or evil all of your life, I'm just going to stick you in a room of whatever you want for 10,000 years and when the time is up, you're free to leave."

The three men nod in agreement.

"You there!" the devil says to the first man. "What would you like a room of for your stay here?"

The man says "I'd love to have a room full of women. All kinds of beautiful women. Women that I can do with whatever I wish!"

The devil snaps his fingers and a room appears full of beautiful women, calling for the man to come inside. The man steps inside and the devil slams the door behind him.

"And You?" the devil says to the second man. "What would you like a room of for your stay here?"

This man says "I want a room full of food, the best food in existance, my favorite foods. A room where I can eat non-stop and I never get full!"

The devil snaps his fingers and a room appears full of the best food anyone could ever imagine with a table made just for him. The man steps inside and the devil slams the door behind him.

"And at last, you sir" the devil says to the third man. "What would you like a room of for your stay here?"

This man thinks for a second and says "I want a room full of weed. Pipes, bongs, hookahs, and rolling papers. A room where I can enjoy myself with my favorite plant!"

The devil snaps his fingers and a room appears full of green as far as the eye can see, and smoking apparatus' the likes of nobody has ever seen before!

The man steps inside and the devil slams the door behind him.

--10,000 years pass--

The devil goes back to the rooms to hold up his end of the bargain.

He opens the first room to see the first man being forced to have sex with 10,000 year old, decrepid and decaying bodies of zombie demon women. The devil laughs, shuts the door, and says "One down...".

He moves on to the second room and opens the door to see the second man forcing himself to eat 10,000 year old rotted food covered in his own filth and sick from the decaying putrid food that had wound up on the table. The devil laughs, shuts the door, and says "Two down...".

He then moves on to the third room. As he opens the door, he's knocked on his back. He regains his composure lying on the ground with the pot-head standing over him, pressing a broken piece of bong glass against the devil's neck screaming "TELL ME YOU HAVE A FUCKING LIGHTER!!!"



[#] Tue Sep 20 2011 13:00:05 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says “You guys need to learn your limits.”



[#] Thu Sep 29 2011 10:14:15 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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The bartender says "we don't serve faster-than-light neutrinos here." Then these two faster-than-light neutrinos walk into a bar.


[#] Mon Oct 03 2011 15:48:23 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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http://petshoptails.blogspot.com/2007/03/invisible-fish.html

Pet shop created a bit of joke that some people took a little too seriously.

[#] Mon Oct 10 2011 16:50:40 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too.

"I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

"I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot.

"He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

"On seeing he was still alive I found super-human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.  It hit the man and killed him.

"At this point, the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart  attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

"I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replies the man, "picture this -- I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest..."



[#] Tue Oct 11 2011 12:37:31 EDT from skpacman @ Uncensored

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Me: "Heh, they brought you a pot of hot water but no more tea bags..."

Wife: "I guess I'll re-use the old teabag."

Me: "It works, but won't be as strong as the last cup."

Wife: "Yeah, it works. Just doing it because hot water is not my cup of tea."

 

(I almost fell over laughing in the middle of Perkins because that is one hell of a pun)



[#] Tue Oct 11 2011 22:42:39 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Perkins!!!1 I love Perkins. I wish there were one around here.

[#] Wed Oct 12 2011 18:38:42 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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My father has been really sick for a while put really sick the past two weeks or so.  A week ago he ended up going to the emergency room to be admitted.    After a long night of tests and blood draws, poking and prodding they decided his glad bladder has to be removed.  (This has since changed)
My father has stated before he is old, tired and does not want any more surgery.  The E.R. doctor asks why, my father explained he was tired, sick, made his peace with God, is ready to go and doesn't want to be a burden.  This was not the correct answer and the doctor had to start asking the state of mind questions.  It is about 2am at this point, he really hasn't slept, is tired and CRANKY.  The conversation went as follows:

Doctor: "What Hospital are you at?"
My Dad: "hmmm, Saint and some girl's name.  I can't think, the one on Main st. near uptown"
(That is how my father would answer.  His memory isn't great anymore but he knows what he is talking about.  It is St. Mary's)  Good answer.

Doctor: "What year is it?"
My Dad: "one-one-zero-two"
(He reversed it, but he had it, he does this so good enough answer)

Doctor: "What month is it?"
My Dad: "It is a new month, the beginning of August" 
(Ok, this isn't right but I knew he knew.  At the time it was the 5th of October.  If you asked him again he would have gotten the month correct.  What would the doctor think?  I told the doc I think he just mixed it up) So-So answer.

Doctor: "Who is the President?"
My Dad: "*SHITHEAD!!!!*"
My father never swears, it was the loudest thing he said all night.  I just about busted a gut laughing.  The doctor looks at me and says, "Yeah, he is in his right state of mind."



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