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[#] Fri Nov 21 2008 08:50:48 EST from flynnfx @ Uncensored

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In light of the story in 'Hot Rodding' about the Yugo cars no longer being made :

 

What do you call a Yugo in a car junkyard?
A blessing.

How do you double the value of a Yugo?
Fill the Tank

What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A miracle

Q. How do you make a Yugo accelerate from zero to 60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A. Push it off a cliff.

Q. What is found on the last two pages of every Yugo owner's manual?
A. The bus schedule.

Q. What did the parts dealer say when the customer said, "I'll take a set of wiper blades for my Yugo"?
A. "Sounds like a fair trade to me."

Q. Why do Yugos come with heated rear windows?
A. To keep your hands warm while you're pushing them

Q. What do you call a Yugo with brakes?
A. Customized.

Q. How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill?
A. Turn off the engine.

Q. Why don't Yugos sustain much damage in a front-end collision?
A. The tow truck takes most of the impact.

Q. What do you call Yugo passengers?
A. Shock absorbers

Q. How do you improve the appearance of a Yugo?
A. Park it between two 914s.

You go. Car stays.

Q. What do you call a Yugo in the fast lane of a highway?
A. A miracle!
A. Roadkill

Some used car dealers might try to reduce the miles on the odometer to make a car seem worth more money. 
With a Yugo, they add miles to try and convince you it really will go that far!

"Optimist" defined: A Yugo owner with a radar detector

Q. Why do Yugo owners never carry a map?
A. It'll never get far enough to get lost!

Despite their small size, Yugos are actually designed for five people; 
1 person sits in the driver's seat, and the other four would get out and push. 

A thief caused $39.95 damage to a Yugo. 
He broke in and stole "The Club" off the steering wheel.

Q. Do you know what you call a Yugo station wagon?
A. We-all-go

Did you hear about the Yugo/pedestrian accident? 
...Poor Yugo.

"You know what they do with junked Yugo's don't you?
They recycle them into tin cans."

Here is a true saying in Croatian, which was very popular, where the car comes from (and it rhymes): "Yugo nije za dugo." 
...Translation: "Yugo is not for long."

"Yugo missed out on a great slogan when Doritos took it first:
'Crunch all you want. We'll make more!'

Q: How do you make accelerate a Yugo from 0 to 100 km in 10 seconds? 
A: Push it off the top of a cliff. 

Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and the principal's office? 
A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's office. 

Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo? 
A: The driver wears Nike shoes. 

Q: What do you call a Yugo with twin exhausts? 
A: A wheelbarrow

Q: What is the Yugo owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.

Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack

Yugo . or you not go!

Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire? 
A: A write off. 

Yugo has announced a new 16 Valve model for 2008.
8 in the engine, 8 in the radio.

- I can see you've got a new car - a Yugo! 
- Yes, I won the second prize in a lottery.
- What was the first prize then? 
- A fruit-basket!

Yugo will be introducing three new vehicles next year.
They will have a moped called an "I Go". 
They will have a 4-door called a "We Go". 
They will also have a new station wagon called the "Y'all Go".

Why were sidewalks invented?
So Yugo owners would have a safe place to walk home.! 

What is the difference between a golf ball and a Yugo?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards! 

Q: What do Yugos have in common with Ferarris?
A: A Ferrari can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds, whereas a Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.

Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferrari, 
if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff's edge.

"The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night. 
The men are being held as suspects in the city's first push-by shooting."

From the Yugo owner's manual:
"If you sense an impending accident with any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly 1) place head between legs, 2) lock hands behind head, 3) Repeat: 
'Our Father, who art in heaven...'"

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag.
When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast*.

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What's left? 
About $1200 of "dealer prep."

 



[#] Wed Dec 03 2008 19:36:14 EST from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: two guys

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There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about ...  losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."


[#] Wed Dec 03 2008 20:03:18 EST from Harbard @ Uncensored

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There was a lady of Arden,

The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.

    She said with a frown,

    "I've been sadly let down

By the tool of a fool in a garden."



[#] Wed Dec 03 2008 20:06:15 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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There once was a young man from Vass,

Whose balls were entirely glass.

He'd rub them together

To change the weather,

And lightning would shoot out his ass.



[#] Sat Dec 20 2008 02:52:24 EST from flynnfx @ Uncensored

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Gifts for Men

"Submitted Anonymously by a Man Sick of Getting Clothes for Christmas"

Christmas is just around the corner so it's time for me to share some gift ideas for those special men in your life! Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. For that matter any power tool is a good choice. He may not need it, or know what it does, but it will look good hung on the peg board in the garage.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties and never buy men bathrobes. If God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. We do not stink - we are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a professional sports game (any team within 300 miles) are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.

Rule #16: Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why

Rule #17: Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.



[#] Tue Dec 30 2008 15:22:40 EST from triLcat @ Uncensored

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My brother and his wife just had their seventh child.

They had two singletons, then two sets of twins, and now this child, a singleton

My brother was up very late working, and when he woke up, he'd only slept an hour.

He saw that there was a baby curled up with his wife, but when he checked the crib, he couldn't find the other baby. He frantically searched for a few minutes before he realized that there isn't another baby.



[#] Wed Dec 31 2008 16:42:34 EST from Ford II @ Uncensored

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Too many kids in my opinion.

Today I learned the difference between an ethic and a moral.
That's my etical opinion.

[#] Wed Dec 31 2008 17:23:54 EST from triLcat @ Uncensored

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He makes enough money to support them, and he and his wife are raising them well.

I don't think anyone has the right to judge.

 



[#] Wed Dec 31 2008 18:38:57 EST from Peter Pulse @ Uncensored

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I'm glad other Jews are having lots of babies so I don't have to.

[#] Thu Jan 01 2009 01:11:37 EST from triLcat @ Uncensored

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hey, I'm not going to be having a litter like that. We can't afford 'em, and I don't have the emotional or physical energy to raise 'em.

But I only think a person has too many kids when they can't support them and raise them decently. (and for some people, one is too many)



[#] Thu Jan 01 2009 23:05:57 EST from Ford II @ Uncensored

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I'm glad other Jews are having lots of babies so I don't have to.

You feel a kinship for the race? That's a new one.

[#] Fri Jan 02 2009 01:32:18 EST from Peter Pulse @ Uncensored

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Nah, it's not new.

[#] Fri Jan 02 2009 12:32:02 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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It's not a race. Nobody is in that much of a hurry.

[#] Mon Jan 05 2009 23:40:26 EST from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: a little aussie humour

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The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk:       to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie          a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus          a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit          all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor 

Shagman      an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity 

Yabble      the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans 

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

Pombat: an ugly Pommie shiela not only seen at night

Bangaroo: kangaroo sausage

               Or aussie prostitute   


    And for the Kiwi's amongst us: 
    Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.



[#] Tue Jan 27 2009 19:10:24 EST from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: another blonde joke

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A blonde was travelling on a bus, when she suddenly needed to fart.

Luckily the music was very loud, so every time she needed to fart, she timed it with the music. Thank heavens, she thought, no one will know !!

As her stop approached she started to make her way to the door. She suddenly realises, as she's about to exit the bus, that everybody is throwing dagger looks at her. Reality hits when she suddenly realizes...........
.
.

.
.
she's listening to her ipod !


[#] Wed Jan 28 2009 15:28:59 EST from leesroom @ Uncensored

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There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around, wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong. He dropped like a rock, splattering against the floor.

The moral to the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.



[#] Wed Jan 28 2009 19:35:16 EST from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: retirement

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

cid:image001.jpg@01C8D4A3.5F4B5770
He  ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn  tyres.

So my wife called him a ......whatever. He finished the second ticket and put  it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the  more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a  little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


[#] Wed Jan 28 2009 19:56:37 EST from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: the biker

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BIKER JOKE A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says - Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life. - Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. - Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride? - A Harley Davidson. The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page: BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

[#] Wed Jan 28 2009 20:13:40 EST from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

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[#] Wed Jan 28 2009 20:18:08 EST from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: Night out ............Texas style

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Daughter:  My friends and I want to go out tonight.
 

Mother :     Where are ya'll going ?  
 
Daughter:  To the bar on the edge of town.  
 

Mother :      I'm don't think you should.  There's been a lot of trouble at that place.   I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and s everal people got hurt.


Daughter :   But mom!!  Please!!   It'll be okay.   

Mother:    No!! Your life is more important than going out!


Daughter :   But 'Tina' is going with us...
 
Mother:      Oh Well!  In that case, it should be okay..  Ya'll have fun! 

 



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