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[#] Fri Aug 15 2008 22:52:38 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

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THNAKS FOR THE MATH LESSON

was quite funny but also true lmao



[#] Fri Aug 15 2008 22:53:45 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

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Sat Aug 16 2008 02:52:38 AM UTC from simplygorgeous@mycastlewall

THNAKS FOR THE MATH LESSON

was quite funny but also true lmao

 

oops i think i need an english lesson next lol (thnaks )



[#] Sat Aug 16 2008 14:51:03 EDT from triLcat @ Uncensored

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How come I missed out on the hippie "no wrong answer" phase?

 



[#] Sat Aug 16 2008 18:44:08 EDT from Ragnar Danneskjold @ Uncensored

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My grandmother was in the hospital, brain dead and heart still beating. It's the first time we had a Democrat in the family.

[#] Mon Aug 25 2008 05:24:51 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: dolly and the queen

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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth Dolly Parton And Queen Elizabeth Die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

 Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in.

 The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly,

 and asks Her Majesty the same question.

 The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, Shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The angel chuckles and says, 'Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in.'

 Dolly is outraged and asks,

 'What was that all about?

 I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

 'Sorry, Dolly,'

 says the angel,

But, even in Heaven, A royal flush Beats a pair -

 no matter how big they are !!.



[#] Mon Aug 25 2008 05:41:25 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: the drunk

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YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE






A man and his
wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets
up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring
rain, is asking for a push.





'Not a chance,'
says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and
returns to bed.





'Who was that?'
asked his wife.





'Just some drunken
guy asking for a push,' he answers.





'Did you help
him?' she asks.





'No, I did not, it
is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'





'Well, you have a
short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'





The man does as he
is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out
into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'





'Yes,' comes back
the answer.





'Do you still need
a push?' calls out the husband.





'Yes, please!'
comes the reply from the dark.





'Where are you?'
asks the husband.









..'Over here
on the swing,' replied the drunk.



[#] Mon Aug 25 2008 08:10:18 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Courtesy palmjokes.com:

Abe moves into a strict Catholic neighborhood.

Every Friday, the Catholics practically crazy - because while they're eating only fish, Abe is in his backyard having a BBQ.

So, the Catholics work on Abe to convert him. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeed.

They take Abe to a priest, who sprinkles holy water on him and intones "Born a Jew...Raised a Jew...Now a Catholic."

The Catholics are ecstatic; No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening.

But...come the following Friday, the scent of Abe's BBQ wafts through the neighborhood.

The Catholics all rush to Abe's house to remind him of his new diet.

They find him standing over the sizzling steak, knive in one hand, his other hand dipping in water.

He sprinkles water over the meat, saying "Born a cow...Raised a cow...Now a fish!"

 



[#] Thu Sep 18 2008 22:35:05 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: the old man

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People were in their pews talking at church. 

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.  Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. 

So Satan walked up  to the old man and said, 'Don't you know who I  am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the  man. 

'Don't you realize I can kill with a word?' asked Satan. 

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 

'Did you know that I could cause you profound , horrifying, agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And  you're still not afraid?' asked  Satan.

'Nope,' said the old  man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Well, why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old  man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 44 years.'


[#] Thu Sep 25 2008 14:59:40 EDT from Ragnar Danneskjold @ Uncensored

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Even children understand--

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be
President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there,
so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would
do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're
President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and
sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery
store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use
toward food or a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only six. And while her
Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked,
'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you
can just
pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

[#] Thu Sep 25 2008 16:06:13 EDT from BOFHMike @ My Castle Wall

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Thu Sep 25 2008 18:59:40 UTC from Ragnar Danneskjold@uncnsrd (Uncensored)

Even children understand--

LOVE IT!!!!!!

[#] Thu Sep 25 2008 16:37:36 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Thu Sep 25 2008 02:59:40 PM EDT from Ragnar Danneskjold@uncnsrd (Uncensored)

She thought that over for a few seconds 'cause she's only six. And while her
Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked,
'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you
can just
pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

*snarf*

[#] Fri Sep 26 2008 01:41:54 EDT from triLcat @ Uncensored

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cute.

 



[#] Sat Sep 27 2008 16:25:58 EDT from Ford II @ Uncensored

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Yes, if only that's what you got if you voted republican.
I didn't see any mentions of war in that joke.

[#] Sun Sep 28 2008 11:53:13 EDT from triLcat @ Uncensored

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What's worse thanan email virus?

 

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," do not open it.

It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.



[#] Sun Sep 28 2008 13:35:12 EDT from flynnfx @ Uncensored

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A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Ten pounds," he replies.

"We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.”

The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."

"We’ll send someone over."

The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!"

"Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot."

The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!"

About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”



[#] Mon Sep 29 2008 08:47:06 EDT from flynnfx @ Uncensored

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Gilligan's Island
Years ago, CBS had a popular little series called GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. There is, however, a dark secret about this "comedy" you may never have realized.

The island is a direct representation of hell. Nobody on the island wants to be there, yet none are able to leave.

Each one of the characters represents one of the 7 deadly sins:

- Ginger represents LUST - she wears skimpy outfits, is obsessed with her looks, and is a borderline nymphomaniac.

- Mary Ann represents ENVY - she is jealous of Ginger's beauty.

- The Professor represents PRIDE - he is an annoying know-it-all.

- Mr. Howell represents GREED - no explanation needed.

- Mrs. Howell represents SLOTH - she has never lifted a finger to help on and of their escape plans.

- The Skipper represents two sins: GLUTTONY - again, no explanation needed and ANGER - he violently hits Gilligan on each show.

- This leaves Gilligan. Gilligan is the person who put them there. He prevents them from leaving by foiling all of their escape plots. Also, it is HIS island. Therefore, Gilligan is SATAN.

Crazy? He does wear red in every episode...


[#] Wed Oct 01 2008 12:11:55 EDT from Ladyhawke @ Uncensored

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Damned evangelists....they get into everything!  *g*

[#] Thu Oct 02 2008 14:33:22 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Intermarriage:

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non Jew. The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."

"It doesn't matter," replied the father. "A non Jew will cause problems."

After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he wsa not at work.

"It's Shabbos," the son replied.

The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."

"I won't work anymore on Saturday," insisted the son, "because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."

"See," said the father, "I told you that marrying a non Jew would cause problems..."

[#] Tue Oct 07 2008 05:41:21 EDT from triLcat @ Uncensored

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 From: http://mominisrael.blogspot.com/2008/10/theres-joker-in-every-class.html

There's a joker in every class

When I lived in New York, I taught English and Judaism to a class of elderly immigrants from the Soviet Union. Back then it wasn't even the "former" Soviet Union. As we approached Yom Kippur, I wondered how to explain the basics of the holiday in simple English. The prohibition on intimate relations gave me the most trouble. Finally, I decided to say "A husband and wife do not sleep together."

 

Immediately an old man shouts out from the back, "But with the other people it is okay. . ."



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