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[#] Sun Jan 06 2008 08:59:56 EST from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Hee...had to send that one to my family.

[#] Wed Jan 30 2008 11:38:23 EST from curly surmudgeon @ Dog Pound BBS II

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This year, Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the
same day.

It's an ironic juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless ritual in which
we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication.

The other involves a groundhog.

[#] Tue Mar 25 2008 09:09:49 EDT from Ford II @ Uncensored

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Little known facts about Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris. tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK.s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother.s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually .Chuck Norris.more than
meets the eye, Chuck Norris.robot in disguise,. and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
divided.

8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of .beard.. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus. obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the
Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

9. Chuck Norris.s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, .HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!. and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend.s bloody
throat in his hand he bellowed, .Don.t fuck with Chuck!. Two years and five
months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

10. To prove it isn.t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, .Bang!.

12. When Chuck Norris.s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, .Don.t worry about it honey,. and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later
it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, .Never question Chuck Norris..

13.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can .accidentally. beat the shit out of little kids.

14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you.re thinking to yourself, .That.s impossible, I already lost my virginity.., then you are dead wrong.

15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying .booya..

16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to
Oregon before you.

18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

19.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
irony, couldn.t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn.t give him exact change.

22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.

23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, .I.ll give you something to cry about,. and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

24.
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O.Brien.s lever that shows clips from .Walker: Texas Ranger. and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan.s wife.

25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that was actually is .his. way.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he.s Chuck Norris.

27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn.t a racist.

28. Chuck Norris doesn.t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the shit out of viruses. That.s why
Chuck Norris never
gets ill.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can.t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

31. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.

32. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

33. Those aren.t credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

34. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

35. Chuck Norris wears a mullet wig on weekends just so he can kick the asses of those who make fun of him.

36. Chuck Norris can drop
kick a small child 200 yards.

37. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. horses are hung like Chuck Norris

38. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

39. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

40. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

41. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

42. If you look in a mirror and say .Chuck Norris. three times, he will appear and kill your entire family. but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

43. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris. shoe. Chuck replied, .Don.t you know who I am? I.m Chuck Norris!.
The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

44. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

45. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren.t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

46. Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

47. The quickest way to a man.s heart is with Chuck Norris.s fist.

48. Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way
to die.

49. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, .Two seconds till.. After you ask, .Two seconds to what?. he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

50. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

[#] Tue Apr 08 2008 21:37:28 EDT from curly surmudgeon @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Breakfast at the White House

Vice President Cheney and President Bush are having breakfast at the White
House.

An attractive female server asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?", the server asks.

The President looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink
and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the woman exclaims, "How rude! You're starting to
act like President Clinton," and the woman storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...........

"It's pronounced "quiche."

[#] Mon Jun 02 2008 16:03:21 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

Subject: A Word To The Wise

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These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.

A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

[#] Thu Jul 10 2008 00:54:26 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

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Subject: Funeral mirth





              A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he

              noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A

              long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet

              behind the first one.





              Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash.

              Behind him , a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

              The man couldn't stand his  curiosity.







              He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry

              for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never

              seen a funeral like this.







                Whose funeral is it?'

                The man said:  'My  wife's.'







              'What happened to her ? '



              The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her '





              He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

              The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the

              dog turned on her.'



              A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.







              'Can I borrow the dog?'   He inquired

              The man answered   'Get in line.'

[#] Thu Jul 24 2008 20:54:30 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: a little irish

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Ababab




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Ababab

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'

Ababab

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Ababab

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Ababab

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy..   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.



[#] Fri Jul 25 2008 07:47:58 EDT from girthta @ Uncensored

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A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table
, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a Happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

 



[#] Tue Jul 29 2008 18:45:14 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

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'WINTER'
a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

       
 

 
SHIT, It's Cold !

The End


[#] Tue Jul 29 2008 20:26:51 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Fri Jul 25 2008 07:47:58 EDT from girthta@uncnsrd

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

Dad and his adoring wife.

[#] Wed Jul 30 2008 07:10:27 EDT from girthta @ Uncensored

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exactly what I was thinking!

[#] Wed Jul 30 2008 07:20:02 EDT from triLcat @ Uncensored

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F&G: Have i ever told you guys how much I love you?

[#] Fri Aug 01 2008 17:08:58 EDT from girthta @ Uncensored

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Notice if you say "F N G" out loud it sounds like an explitive? I don't think that's by accident!

[#] Sat Aug 02 2008 19:34:06 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Sounds like the word 'effigy' to me.

And I thought *I* was the one with the foulest mouth.



[#] Mon Aug 04 2008 09:15:24 EDT from triLcat @ Uncensored

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So this guy comes home from work, and finds his live-in girlfriend packing her bags. The guy says, "Hey, what're you doing?" She says, "I'm leaving." The boyfriend says, "Why's that?" and the girlfriend replies, "Because I just found out that you're a pedophile!" "Pedophile?!" he says, "that's a mighty big word for an eight-year-old!"

[#] Thu Aug 14 2008 21:19:44 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: the big menapause question

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The Best Menopause Question Ever:

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb!
They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER
PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOU LD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES

THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I'm sorry. What was the question?



[#] Thu Aug 14 2008 21:22:06 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

Subject: the world isa changing

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Under attack! WARNING!!! 
THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately !

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper .  Groceries are heavier .  And, everything is farther away.  Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! 
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.  They speak in whispers  all the time!  If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face!  What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.  On the other hand, people my own age are so much older  than I am.  I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days!  You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.  All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.  Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20?  Do they think no one notices? The people who make  bathroom scales are pulling the same prank.  Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial?  HA!  I would never let myself weigh that much!  Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small   type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.


[#] Thu Aug 14 2008 21:24:57 EDT from simplygorgeous @ My Castle Wall

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Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............









You'll like this .


























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!



[#] Fri Aug 15 2008 17:44:24 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied,

'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,

'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said,

'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,

'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said,

'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,

You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Chuck said,

'Sure I can Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said,

'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'

The farmer said,

'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said,

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'


Chuck now works for the government.



[#] Fri Aug 15 2008 17:45:03 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

Subject: math lesson

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Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

 

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


 
2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


 
3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?


 
4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


 
5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )


 
6. Teaching Math In 2007

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

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