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[#] Wed Nov 08 2006 23:43:31 EST from the8088er @ Uncensored

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roue: which Emerson is that?
The keyboard god or some other?

[#] Thu Nov 09 2006 10:14:57 EST from roue @ Dog Pound BBS II

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the keyboard god.

[#] Thu Nov 09 2006 12:28:54 EST from wabewalker @ Uncensored

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''Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving''!!

Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia — After what witnesses described
as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it
was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would
bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning
woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian
Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at
Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape
Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries
destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-
mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at
a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia
Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo
Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer
is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows
about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin
pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in
Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-
square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and
crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and
Chinese take-away in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly
found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the
Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants,
that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have
huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America
did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul
Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just
see if you can you ignore us."

Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be
difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department
spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian
Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii
governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem
friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their
questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do
you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar
and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.

Panama, however, was not so lucky.

"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them
through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance
to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded
to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak
the whole continent through."

When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid,
Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the
region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made
up a cheery song about it.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite
so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland,"
said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we
might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's
time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S.,
African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to
negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent- minded
Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday,
Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion
in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence
in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a
primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football,
and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.

U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian
Rules Football request "absurd."

[#] Thu Nov 09 2006 15:12:50 EST from Magus @ Uncensored

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"We've still got part of Jama?"

[#] Thu Nov 09 2006 16:42:33 EST from Grey Elf @ Uncensored

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Esoteric Punch Lines.

[#] Thu Nov 09 2006 19:16:40 EST from girthta @ Uncensored

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UCG's House Special!


[#] Thu Nov 09 2006 21:51:42 EST from the8088er @ Uncensored

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Hm. I was googling. Turns out it was Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Keith Emerson didn't make sense in my mind at first anyhow.



[#] Fri Nov 10 2006 21:23:55 EST from curly surmudgeon @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Why the Republicans lost control of both the House and Senate:

Dick Cheney forgot to mail the check to Diebold.

[#] Sat Nov 11 2006 02:22:29 EST from 2Dog @ Uncensored

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Ralph Waldo invented the keyboard synthesizer?

[#] Sat Nov 11 2006 11:45:53 EST from the8088er @ Uncensored

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Not to my knowledge.

[#] Sat Nov 11 2006 11:55:02 EST from 2Dog @ Uncensored

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"O.k. I botched the joke. It was really Kurzweil. But I will not apologize!"
"I apologize."

[#] Sat Nov 11 2006 23:56:21 EST from LoanShark @ Uncensored

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OMG like Ray Kurzweil is the second coming of Christ!!!1one

[#] Sun Nov 12 2006 00:12:31 EST from 2Dog @ Uncensored

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Heh, he thought about the concept before you did, nay, before you even learned what electronics
were in the first place. Shit, I might as well say it... (imagine the voice of the movie trailer
announcement dude) He did it... ( "in a time when others scoffed" ) and it was grabbed onto
( "it was wrenched into the hands of rock musicians everywhere " ) by many bands. Some were
creative; some not so much... ( "an acid wind blows" ) ( "payback, this time the music's for real" )

[#] Sun Nov 12 2006 00:16:26 EST from 2Dog @ Uncensored

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or not... if you grew up as a teenager content to sit in the living room drinking punch and watching Love Boat every Friday night. (some of us had other things to do ;^)

[#] Sun Nov 12 2006 00:20:23 EST from 2Dog @ Uncensored

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Oh, and buy Geico.

[#] Sun Nov 12 2006 01:58:07 EST from Animal @ Uncensored

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I just saved a ton of money on car insurance by threating my agent with a golf
club!

[#] Sun Nov 12 2006 09:14:18 EST from LoanShark @ Uncensored

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Problem with Kurzweil is, yes he did some cool stuff, but then his head got too big for his shoulders.

[#] Sun Nov 12 2006 10:03:28 EST from Peter Pulse @ Uncensored

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I don't know much about his history. I know he was a really smart guy. But as far as music synthesis goes, there are a lot of people who deserve credit.
Bob Moog obviously, and Alan Pearlman for ARP. But I would say the other huge award goes to Peter Vogel and Kim Ryrie (I think I got the names right) for the Fairlight CMI, which changed everything.

[#] Sun Nov 12 2006 12:08:21 EST from LoanShark @ Uncensored

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Kurzweil built that OCR book reader for the blind. I think a lot of his ideas about futurism are essentially self-congratulatory wanking about the potential future effects of technology on the human condition, along the lines of "OMG!! We can transcend our physical senses now!!!1 Well if not now, then soon!!!1"

[#] Mon Nov 13 2006 19:09:22 EST from the8088er @ Uncensored

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I want a Kurzweil MIDIboard. They're magnificant creations... Designed by Bob Moog. They have velocity sensing, polyphonic aftertouch, and reverse velocity sensing (how fast they keys go UP)... amazing features. Wooden keys...

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