Language:
switch to room list switch to menu My folders
Go to page: First ... 17 18 19 20 [21] 22 23 24 25 ... Last
[#] Mon Oct 10 2005 03:25:39 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Maybe it would be safer to let someone else do it to you... someone you trust anyway. At least they can reliably pull the finger off the button.

[#] Mon Oct 10 2005 06:08:35 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]


I'd suggest not zapping yourself.

[#] Tue Oct 11 2005 15:57:31 EDT from Ian M. Shot @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Good plan. I'll have to remember that, do not zap yourself. Got it.

[#] Wed Oct 12 2005 15:28:22 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

BUSH CANCELS AGREEMENT BETWEEN NOUN AND VERBS
'I Has a Mandate, and I Intends to Use it,' Says President
President George W. Bush announced the first major initiative of his second
term in office today, canceling the agreement between nouns and verbs.

The president, who had been widely expected to announce a series of
faith-based initiatives, surprised Washington insiders by kicking off his
second term with a grammar-based one.

Mr. Bush left little doubt that he intended to consign the agreement between
nouns and verbs to the dustbin of history, telling reporters, "I has a
mandate, and I intends to use it."

In world capitals, heads of state responded with a mixture of shock and
dismay to the president's decision to back out of the noun-verb agreement,
long considered a cornerstone of human communication.

"It was one thing to back out of the Kyoto Protocol and the Geneva
Conventions,
but if Mr. Bush intends to break the agreement between nouns
and verbs he is going it alone," said French president Jacques Chirac.

But President Bush was quick to correct Mr. Chirac, responding, "I think
what my good friend Jacques Chirac means is, I 'are' going it alone."

The president noted that his proposal had received a vote of confidence from
British Prime Minister Tony Blair, who earlier in the day said, "He have my
full support."

Mr. Bush went on to announce a series of other bold initiatives, such as
imposing a moratorium on complete sentences and eliminating the letter "g"
from the end of most words.

Elsewhere, the Pentagon announced that U.S. fighter jets missed a target in
southern Iraq today, strafing a middle school in New Jersey.

[#] Fri Oct 14 2005 20:24:48 EDT from wizard of aahz @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

<offers to zap Patriot or anyone else who needs it>

[#] Mon Oct 17 2005 01:37:01 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Subject: Stud Service
From: "fudge" <fudge@nrtco.net>
Newsgroups: misc.survivalism
Date: Sun, 16 Oct 2005 14:48:58 -0400

Ladies. Are your children fuck ups and underachievers? Tired of breeding
morons, idiots and cretins? You may be using the wrong sperm. Get the
offspring you deserve my being naturally inseminated by a male with all the
desirable characteristics. Tall, Northern European white virile male with
blue eyes and a high I.Q. at your service. Only $10,000.00 per shot. (U.S.
Funds) Booster shot available if necessary. Cheap wine and dining option
available.

Farmer John

[#] Tue Oct 25 2005 19:52:50 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night
when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All
Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.

After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative
transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would
have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A
horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".

The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your
pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on
the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They
are riding all our horses".

Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately.
Have you any idea where I may accuire alternative transportation?".

The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my
brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"

Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The
young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She
dissapears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a
size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is
threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing labouriously.

Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a
knight out on a dog like this?"

[#] Wed Oct 26 2005 22:46:29 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

haha

[#] Sun Oct 30 2005 11:36:58 EST from Idget @ God-Empresses Domain

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

<shudder> that was a horrid pun :)


[#] Tue Nov 01 2005 12:27:11 EST from wizard of aahz @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Patriot - that was worth of Callhan's..

[#] Sat Nov 12 2005 17:45:41 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

FRENCHISMS




"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.
Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain.



"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind
me."
General George S. Patton.



"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.



"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
Marge Simpson



"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
Rush Limbaugh,



"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting
in Paris sipping coffee."
Regis Philbin.



"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris
and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting
inside and drinking large glasses of whisky I don't know."
P.J O'Rourke (1989).



"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s
who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for
it."
John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona.



"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French,
people."
Conan O'Brien



"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either"
Jay Leno.



"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris
under a German flag."
David Letterman



Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada.
Ted Nugent.



War without France would be like ... uh ... World War II.



"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says
'First Iraq, then France.'"
Tom Brokaw.

"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its
national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?"
Dennis Miller.



"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they
needed us."
Alan Kent



"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an
attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a
three-day supply of mistresses in the house."
Argus Hamilton



"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised
on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.'" Rep.
Roy Blunt (MO)



"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found
truffles in Iraq."

Dennis Miller



Raise your right hand if you like the French ... raise both hands if you are
French.



Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city
in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?



"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's
never been tried." Rep. R. Blount (MO)



"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And
that's because it was raining." John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv.



The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London
bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only
two higher levels in France are
Surrender and Collaborate. The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a
recent fire which destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling
their military.



French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of
fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks
display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the
soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech
tourists.

[#] Sat Nov 12 2005 17:47:33 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in
heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[#] Sat Nov 12 2005 22:07:37 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and
began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong
one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

**********
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed.
Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

**********

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

**********

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left. "
Again, a flawless read. "Now both" I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line.
I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

**********

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.
Which one?" I asked.
The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

**********

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bed-ridden?"
After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty
years -- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

**********

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

**********

And Finally (always leave the best for last) ...

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams.
To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

[#] Sun Nov 13 2005 13:47:04 EST from georbit @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Talk about a freudian slip...

[#] Sun Nov 13 2005 13:49:26 EST from georbit @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

I know this is the Jokes room, but I think the French have gotten enough bashing for a while. This article might be interesting to some:

http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/10/19/193648/40

[#] Sun Nov 13 2005 18:35:35 EST from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]


There are never enough French jokes.

[#] Thu Nov 24 2005 14:43:57 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was
faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put them back. Several memos were posted about this.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean
the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in toilet, and cleaned the
mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators

[#] Thu Nov 24 2005 14:48:24 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting
at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks
the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards
the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater
followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he
shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place
for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet?"

"No," she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."

[#] Mon Nov 28 2005 05:28:00 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

an open letter to Dr. Laura
J. Kent Ashcraft
May 2000

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be
an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws
and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor
is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims
that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination
(Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can
you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect
in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have
to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should
they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their
in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


(for quoted bible passages, see the bottom of
http://www-users.cs.york.ac.uk/~susan/joke/laura.htm )

[#] Thu Feb 16 2006 13:02:04 EST from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

[Reply] [ReplyQuoted] [Headers] [Print]

Happy Valentine's Day everybody, or as Dick Cheney calls it, "Guns n'
Roses."

What a nightmare I had last night .. I dreamed I was at a Washington
party and I had to choose between Dick Cheney taking me on a hunting
trip or Ted Kennedy driving me home.

I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the
government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment.

The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on the
ground he actually handed himself his own business card.

After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, "You big baby. I get
those all the time. Walk it off.""s

Go to page: First ... 17 18 19 20 [21] 22 23 24 25 ... Last