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[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:09:23 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, "All lawyers are a****holes!" He
looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "Take that
back."

The biker says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, IBm an a****hole."

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:10:08 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does
she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands
beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels
in the ladies room."

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:13:14 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had
sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned
against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for
old time's sake.

"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having
a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble."
So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking
sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man
drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old
man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging
on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He
thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still
watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train-
I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for
about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life
together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:14:55 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell
her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of
us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
* * *
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he
approached the desk, the receptionist said, in a loud grating voice, "Yes
sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d!ck," he replied. The receptionist
became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room
and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further
with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't p!ss out of it," the man replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:16:01 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's
milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though" mum confides.

"Oh so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he
was born."

"He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me.," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started
school."

"He's a martyr, also" says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the
photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 22:35:13 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri
on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the
drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was
dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he
threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

[#] Sun Aug 28 2005 17:50:13 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear
ring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and
is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to
say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[#] Tue Aug 30 2005 19:05:10 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see
husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly
physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts,
etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage
shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's
clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash
your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash
entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse
conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee
off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of
shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super
absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake
wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound. Look at your manly physique in
the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in
the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your
hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it
sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on
the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get
out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because
curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in
mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan
on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull
off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again. Throw
wet towel on bed.

[#] Tue Aug 30 2005 19:06:52 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the
bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick
himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left
paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my
existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this
predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to
suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the
BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed
his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen."

[#] Tue Aug 30 2005 19:07:39 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth"
he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest
mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and
shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the
horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and
putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see
her wun awound?"

[#] Fri Sep 02 2005 14:56:32 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The Associated Press Tuesday, August 30, 2005; 11:00 PM PARIS, France

Lance Armstrong's record setting seventh Tour de France victory, along
with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could
turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time.
Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned
substances were found in his South of France hotel room while on
vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France.

The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, which
have been banned by French authorities for over 75 years. Armstrong's
girlfriend and American rocker Sheryl Crowe is quoted as saying, "We
use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be okay
throughout Europe."

Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also
physically searched Armstrong himself and found several other
interesting items that they have never seen before, including a
backbone and testicles.

[#] Fri Sep 02 2005 18:17:10 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The only cow in a small Illinois town stopped giving milk. The people did some
research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Iowa
for $200.

They brought the cow from Iowa and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of
milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like
it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However,
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he
could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask
the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he
approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she
walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this
cow in Iowa?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought
the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the
cow in Iowa?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Iowa."

[#] Sun Sep 04 2005 13:41:15 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Oh, how true that Armstrong/France joke is! I love it, "toothpaste, deoderant, and soap." Now I'll have that stuck in my head for months...

[#] Tue Sep 06 2005 19:13:11 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady.
"Help yourself," she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few."
"That's okay," says the lady, "Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."

[#] Tue Sep 06 2005 19:23:29 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and
accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the
farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front
door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came
out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his
wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses,"
explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and
I'd just killed the pig."

[#] Tue Sep 06 2005 19:27:12 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow
contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home
in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry.
Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to
give you a night you'll never forget!"

They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't
felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey,
that was *wonderful,* the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?" This
time it's even more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob
gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"

"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning!"

[#] Tue Sep 06 2005 19:45:58 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.

She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't
worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I
slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie." replied Adam as he wiped the tears from
Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[#] Tue Sep 06 2005 20:26:44 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club.
Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so
they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they
spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who,
from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact,
they've each five-putted it!

The first guy says ''Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want
to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes,
''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them.
I'll be back in a sec.''

So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a
hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them
as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ''Jesus! That's my
wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry,
man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw
me. How about you go ask them?''

So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass
and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs
back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong? What's the matter?''
his friend says. ''Same damn thing,'' he replies.

[#] Tue Sep 06 2005 20:37:33 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Ok, one more and then I'll stop for awhile ;)


George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped,
fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the
kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and
stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you
are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!"

[#] Wed Sep 07 2005 21:11:58 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Had dinner at the Bavarian Wok.
An hour later I was hungry for power.

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