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[#] Mon Aug 22 2005 17:08:56 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Many, many years ago the pope had plans to kick all the Jewish people out
of Rome. Being a reasonable man he thought he would give them one chance to
debate why they should be allowed to stay. Only one poor man stepped up to this
challenge.
"I will debate you, but only if it can be done without speaking."
The pope agreed to this and a time and place was chosen. Many gathered to
see how this issue would be resolved without speaking.
The pope was first. He swept his opened arms around him. The man responded
by dropping to one knee and placing his palm firmly on the ground.
The pope thought for a few moments and then held up three fingers high in
the
air. The man held up his hand as well, but had only a single finger extended.
The pope stepped away for a moment and brought back a loaf of bread and a
bottle of wine, which he placed before the Jewish man. In turn the man pulled
an apple from a sack and set it down.
"All right, you have one this debate, the Jews may stay," conceded the pope.
Later a group of cardinals asked what the Jewish man had done to make the pope
change his mind. The pope told them, "First I told him that God is everywhere,
so they can go anywhere. He replied that God was here, so we are staying here.
Then I told him that we have the Trinity: the father, the son and the spirit.
He reminded me that we share one God. I then showed him the bread and wine to
tell him of the sacrifice Jesus made to save us from our sins. His apple
reminded me of original sin, and I realized that God was telling me to let them
stay." The cardinals all agreed with his decision.
The Jewish man was also asked what exactly had happened. He told his
friends, "Well, first he said that the Jews had to go far away. I pounded the
ground to say we were staying right here. He said we had three days to leave,
so I flipped him off."
"Well, then why did he let us stay?"
Confused the man replied, "Heck, if I know. He got out his lunch, so I got
out mine."

[#] Wed Aug 24 2005 19:05:23 EDT from "Thom" <thom@cocoonbbs.com> to room_jokes@cocoonbbs.com

Subject: Signs

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Signs from around the world:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men's rest room in Japan:

TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway:

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings:

MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:

NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:

FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:

PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:

THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:

THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris:

PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:

NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

>From the "Soviet Weekly":

THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:

A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel, Vienna:

IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:

TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:

FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:

SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.





[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 04:42:14 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Three engineers and three scientists were traveling by train to a
conference. The scientists went to the ticket window and bought three
one-way tickets. The engineers bought only one. The scientists
remarked that there were three engineers but only one ticket. The
engineers said to watch.

Right before the train left the three engineers crammed into one rest
room. When the conductor came through to collect tickets he checked
the rest room and, seeing it occupied, said "Ticket please." One of
the engineers cracked open the door and handed out the ticket, which
the conductor validated. After a few minutes the engineers returned to
their seats. The scientists were amazed, and said they'd try it on the
way back.

On the way back after the conference, the engineers and scientists met
at the ticket window again. The scientists said "we know what to do"
and bought only one ticket. But the engineers didn't buy any! Once
again the scientists were perplexed. The engineers said "wait and
see."

As the train left the station the scientists got up and crammed
themselves into a rest room. The engineers did the same. After a few
minutes, before the conductor appeared, one of the engineers came out
of their wash room and knocked on the door where the scientists were
and said "Ticket please!"

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 04:46:25 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.
Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
bedroom.

"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush
asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure
moving

in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.

"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country?" Bush asked.

"Go to the theater," replied Abe.

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 15:48:30 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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"I had a refrigerator delivered this morning and a homeless guy offered me $3 million for the box." --Bill Maher

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 19:12:54 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch
and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this
building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never
would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde guy's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own
lunch."

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 19:15:15 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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An Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe, eyeing two US government officials sent to interview
him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the
white man for 90 years. You've seen war, his technological advances,
progress & damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued "Considering these events, in your opinion
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute then
calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running
it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all
the work, Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting &
fishing, all night having sex." Then the Chief leaned back & smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like
that."

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 19:18:01 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME

A Niagara man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his
bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.

A banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 19:20:42 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that
we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day,
a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty
lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually, the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee
and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to
make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay
envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her
mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and
suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a
savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and
asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at
such a young age.

The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us." My goodness gracious, "said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever
deliver the fuckin' sheet rock."

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 19:23:06 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This
is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his
profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for five seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?! Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of
his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

The two blondes look at one another dumbfounded.

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving
me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well,
that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I
check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. He
is excited that he was able to at least pass one of these three blonde
applicants.

"Wow!" he says. "I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."

[#] Fri Aug 26 2005 19:35:26 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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15 things to do at Wallmart while your spouse/partner is taking
their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when
they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other
shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
theme from "Mission Impossible."

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

13.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last but not least

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while
and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 02:07:33 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

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"Wow!" he says. "I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an

astute observation?"

That one caught me completely by surprise... nice. :-)

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 07:38:19 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl
notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking
for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to
get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a
tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much
cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 07:40:22 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It
is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 16:56:52 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the
bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music,
and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally,
John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook
the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw
up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the
parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John
quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my
rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 16:57:39 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one
small elderly lady .
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation,
and said: "I outlived the bytches."

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:00:38 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions
overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love
all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around
8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and
we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until
eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying ba$tard! You've been
playing golf!"

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:03:25 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his
weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got
around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some
problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if thatBs what they
are I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, theyBre called
circle flies because theyBre almost always found, circling around the back end
of a horse."

The trooper said, "Oh", and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute
he stopped and said, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horseBs
***?"

"Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers
to even think about calling you a horseBs ***."

Trooper Jon said, "Well, thatBs a good thing," and went back to writing the
ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:04:17 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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One day the whole state legislature was aboard the official state bus touring a
rural area. The driver lost control and crashed the bus into the ditch. A farmer
came by, and, finding the politicians lying in the road, buried them. The police
arrived on the scene just as she finished tamping the dirt down over the last
one. They started asking her questions about the wreck.

"So you buried ALL the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all
dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how them politicians
lie."

[#] Sat Aug 27 2005 17:08:37 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of
money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the
president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an
employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed
her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much
money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are
square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win
a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would
you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not
square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if
you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my
lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long
time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and
that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he
could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the
president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day
before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day
before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her
lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if
she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of
money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed
that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly
woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet
him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls
of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

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