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[#] Thu Jun 09 2005 13:10:11 EDT from wizard of aahz @ Haven BBS

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That is a classic.

[#] Sun Jun 12 2005 06:54:28 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Blonde Bowling Team

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a
double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette
team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time,

when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes
upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached
the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-
ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles. The brunette asked, What the heck's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered,

YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

[#] Mon Jun 13 2005 21:23:45 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Little Tony

LITTLE TONY ON MATH


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.
"

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."



LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"




LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH


Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going
to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR


Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this
situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!'"
LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f*cking business.
I LOVE Little Tony!!!!!

[#] Tue Jun 14 2005 00:33:09 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

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Slashdot humour:

Hans: Namesys is also having payroll problems, though our problem is more
due to my divorce than anything else.
bad_outlook: Perhaps if you would have paid more attentition to her than
that damn code! (me: one ticket to hell please...)
Hans: I like the code more. it is certainly more beautiful, and perhaps
more useful to....

- http://linux.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=152611&cid=12808266

[#] Wed Jun 15 2005 11:17:40 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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THE FATITUDES

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man
and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and
Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said:

"Yes!"

And Woman said: "I'll have one, too . . . with sprinkles." And lo they
gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented
crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man
and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.



God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut
shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it
needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful
skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal
fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed
and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra
jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man
replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: " It is good." And
Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed . . . then created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled
and created HMO's.

[#] Wed Jun 15 2005 17:03:02 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A little boy in a small town was walking home from school when he saw signs
saying that the circus was coming to town. He'd never been to a circus and he
was very excited, because he'd always loved clowns. All week he could barely
concentrate on his work, he was so excited. At last the big day came, and the
circus arrived. The little boy was first in line, and got himself a seat in the
very front row. He could hardly sit still when the ringmaster came into the
center ring and announced the elephants. They were amazing! They stacked
themselves up into a pyramid, they danced, they stood on their hind legs. But
the little boy was waiting for the clowns. Next came the acrobats. They flipped
and twisted and performed feats of daring high above the frightened crowd. The
little boy just peered at the curtains, trying to see what was next. Then there
were jugglers, and dogs, and a lion tamer. The little boy just yawned.

Finally, a teeny tiny car came careening out into the center ring. It stopped,
and the tiny door creaaaaked open. Out poured the clowns! Big ones, small ones,
happy ones, sad ones, clowns with red rubber noses, clowns with rainbow wigs,
clowns with baggy pants, and clowns with floppy shoes. And the biggest,
silliest, happiest clown of all marched right up to the little boy!

"Are you a donkey?" the clown asked.

"No," said the little boy.

"Are you a mule?"

"No," the boy said again.

"Then you must be an ASS!" the clown yelled.

The little boy turned crimson as the entire crowd roared with laughter.

That night, he couldn't sleep. He stayed awake all night thinking about what he
should have said, and how humiliated he'd felt when the clown yelled that. The
feeling wasn't gone the next day, either. He could hardly concentrate in
school.

It became an obsession. In high school he joined the debating club, and
sharpened his wit against his classmates. He went to a prestigious college and
studied rhetoric. He became known as a man of lightning wit and cutting
reparte. Eventually, he was known around the country for his ability to cut a
man down to size with a single devastating repaste.

One day, he was walking back to his home when he saw a sign for the very same
circus. With grim satisfaction, he waited in line, once again the very first,
and bought his ticket. Once again he sat in the front row, in the very same
seat. The ringmaster bounded into the center ring, a little grayer, a little
stiffer, but it was the same man. The man in the front row smiled to himself
without mirth. The elephants came out, same as last time, although the act
wasn't as spectacular, since their knees were arthritic. The acrobats flipped
and spun in the air as they had before. The jugglers, dogs, and lion tamers
were all as impressive as they'd been so many years before, although the lions
were toothless now.

At last the tiny car came creaking into the center ring. It didn't move so fast
as last time. The door opened, and out poured the clowns. And sure enough, the
same clown came to stand right in front of the man.

"Are you a donkey?" the clown asked.

"No," the man said, with teeth clenched.

"Are you a mule?"

"No," the man said again.

"Then you must be an ASS!" the clown screamed.

It was the moment he'd been waiting for all these years. The man stood, leaned
forward, and yelled, "FUCK YOU CLOWN!"

[#] Sat Jun 18 2005 12:21:07 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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The debate over whether George W. Bush is a moron continues to sputter more than one year since it was ignited by Francoise Ducros.

The controversy exploded when Francoise Ducros, an adviser to Canadian Prime Minister Jean ChrC)tien, was overheard at a NATO meeting last year in Prague saying, "What a moron," apparently in relation to Bush.

Morons were outraged at being lumped in with the U.S. President. Many Americans, meanwhile, were mildly amused that it took Canadians so long to discover the obvious.

Morons say this is an outlandish slur. "We're nice people," explained one. "We don't threaten other countries or use the courts to steal elections. George W. Bush may be a dangerous lunatic. But he's no moron."

Jean ChrC)tien seemed to agree. "He's not a moron at all," the Prime Minister told reporters, referring to Bush.

Still, the opposition parties in Canada were not content. The Canadian Alliance argued that if Bush discovered that he is a moron, that this could affect Canada - U.S. relations.

ChrC)tien, however, said that there is nothing to worry about. Bush, he said, doesn't read newspapers anyhow.

According to the International Dictionary of Medicine and Biology, most morons are "able to be educated and do not require institutionalization but need some supervision in working at some simple job by which they can become self-sustaining members
of society."

Some have argued that this definition fits Bush to a tee. In most matters, they note, he is carefully supervised by Vice-President Dick Cheney, Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Attorney-General John Ashcroft.

Cheney and Rumsfeld run Bush's wars while Ashcroft stifles domestic opposition. At home in the White House, first lady Laura Bush is charged with watching over the President.

"Since the president's inauguration, he's only been left unsupervised once b to watch a football game on television," recalled one expert. "And look what happened. He fell off the couch, choked on a pretzel and hurt his head."

In a lengthy analysis, the New York Times pointed out that Americans have long made a practice of electing dead people to the Senate and morons to the Presidency.

"This kind of flexibility is what makes U.S. democracy so vital," the Times went on. "Why should the Senate be denied the wisdom of those who have passed on? Why should the Presidency be the preserve of the mentally capable?"

Should the original moron comment have been published at all ? Ducros apparently made the crack in a private conversation to one journalist (who did not publicise it) but was overheard by another, the National Post's Bob Fife, who did.

One wit said that Ducros was actually defending Bush. "Fife overheard the words accurately," but he didn't hear the punctuation. "Francie didn't say `What a moron!' She said 'What? A moron?' and then stormed out. She was reacting because the
reporters were referring to Bush as a moron and she couldn't bear the insult to such a dear friend of Canada."

Still others say that Fife missed the possessive.

"We were all sitting around the briefing room waiting to find out if Uzbekistan would be accepted as a member of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization," said one scribe.

"Francie was doing the crossword in the International Herald Tribune and the clue for six across was a four-letter word for moron beginning with B.

"English isn't Francie's first language, so she asked everyone, What's a moron? Bob just missed out on the apostrophe s."

However, to some media experts, the actual words said didn't matter. For a journalist to report something he heard, they say, could destroy the entire edifice of source-based journalism.

"If political aides think they'll be identified when they tell the truth about their bosses anonymously, they'll stop doing it," said one.

"Then what would happen? The media would have no stories."

And no doubt one of the main aims of the Neocons 'that is the further dumbing down of the population of the United States' would be able to continue unchecked.

Source: Thomas Walkom bThe Toronto Star
p

[#] Sun Jun 19 2005 11:09:42 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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10 Ways to Annoy Cops
spacer
1. Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold my beer for a sec?"

[#] Sun Jun 19 2005 11:43:49 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[#] Mon Jun 20 2005 22:24:14 EDT from Bafleyanne @ PixelBBS

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Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear
Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

His girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He rides
his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No
matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him,
"Our family had a fight awhile ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any
since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are
piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So
Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on
the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is
a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when
he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and
her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the
table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
When he witnesses this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table
and screams, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"

[#] Tue Jun 21 2005 05:14:12 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man
walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm
in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning
before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make
love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets
a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want.
And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no
longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you
have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[#] Tue Jun 21 2005 05:17:12 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live alone by the
railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, in the bedroom, living room, kitchen, the bathroom, all
over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, like
doggies, every position imaginable!"

Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky b@stard. Was she pretty?"

"Don't know... I never found the head!"

[#] Tue Jun 21 2005 20:40:17 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Two nuns are cycling down a cobblestone street. The first one says to the
other, "I've never come this way before." The second one says, "I know, it's
the cobbles."

[#] Fri Jun 24 2005 06:04:07 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Advertisement of the year.

TO ALL USERS OF OUR COMPETITORS' PRODUCTS, HAPPY FATHERS DAY.

durex

[#] Sat Jun 25 2005 18:44:20 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they
could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and
told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said
the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in
Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He Held
the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Tennessee,
Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and Washington DC

[#] Sat Jun 25 2005 21:09:13 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage,
he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on
my honeymoon next week and my fiancC) is still a virgin -- in every
way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint
and taped it all together ... an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on
their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched
these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies.. "Look at this, .. still in
the CRATE!"

[#] Sun Jun 26 2005 04:42:48 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

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Jun 24 2005 5:04am from Patriot @pixel (PixelBBS)
Advertisement of the year.

TO ALL USERS OF OUR COMPETITORS' PRODUCTS, HAPPY FATHERS DAY.

durex


ha!

[#] Mon Jun 27 2005 16:57:14 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's
most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The
volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though
your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to
charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the
United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children
one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an
array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no
idea"

And the lawyer says, "If I didn't give money to them, what makes you think I
would give it to you?"

[#] Fri Jul 01 2005 12:40:35 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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The Internal Revenue Service sent an auditor to a synagogue. As the auditor reviews all the paperwork, he turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes, we do," responded the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" He asked.

"A good question," noted the rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with all the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the rabbi calmly. "We actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer; and every now and then they send us a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how he could fluster the rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he continued, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste." The rabbi answered.  What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."


[#] Tue Jul 05 2005 13:15:47 EDT from wizard of aahz @ Haven BBS

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<laughs> Nice. And hear I was expecting a wallet/luggage punchline.

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