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[#] Wed May 18 2005 05:15:22 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Teen age sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her
to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then,
talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Stephanie !

[#] Wed May 18 2005 05:17:35 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him
to have to drive on to the shoulder.

This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung
out his window and flipped the woman off.

"Man, that guy is stupid", I thought to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76
miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most
of the bumper-to-bumper is on eight-lane highway. So if
you just look at the seven lanes I am not in, that means
I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's seven cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works
out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though
the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper.

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings
the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any
given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449; according
to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98,
and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least
one female that:

1) has a lousy love life,
2) thinks men are her biggest problem,
3) has seriously considered suicide or homicide,
4) is having the worst day of her period, and
5) is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.

[#] Wed May 18 2005 05:21:24 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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#19 is probably my favorite. ;)

Witicisims:
) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car! --Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children." --Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger

7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God .... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda
Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead." --Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown

18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry

19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Author Unknown, presumed deceased

[#] Wed May 18 2005 05:23:17 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Star Wars Sex

'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'

'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'

'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'

'You've got something jammed in here real good.'

'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'

'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'

'Sorry about the mess...'

'Look at the size of that thing!'

'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'

'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'

'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'

'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'

'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'

'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'

'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'

'Hurry up, golden-rod...'

'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that,
huh kid?'

'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'

'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'

'Control, control! You must learn control!'

'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'

'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'

'I never knew I had it in me.'

'There is good in him, I've felt it.'

'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'

'Back door, huh? Good idea!'

'She's gonna blow!'

'I think you'll fit in nicely.'

'Rise, my friend.'

'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'

[#] Wed May 18 2005 13:25:50 EDT from wizard of aahz @ Haven BBS

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Patriot - Yes! to #19.. <laughs>

[#] Thu May 19 2005 19:14:20 EDT from PowerStar @ Haven BBS

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Oh #19... I had to forward that one one to my friends! hehehe

[#] Fri May 20 2005 05:19:09 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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(during divorce custody of children dispute)

wife: "I carried these children for 9 months, and brought them into this
world. I should have custody!"

husband: "When I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"

[#] Fri May 20 2005 15:21:04 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the U.S. Army:

http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html

[#] Sat May 21 2005 16:12:29 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Subject: Re: The Koran did not manage to squeeze past the S-bend.
From: "Denis Loubet" <dloubet@io.com>
Newsgroups: alt.atheism,alt.politics.democrats,alt.politics.republicans,alt.
politics.libertarian
Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 01:05:33 -0500


"The Black Wibble" <scanner@free.org.nz> wrote in message
news:428eb4f8$1@clear.net.nz...
I probably should have boiled it first... make it into a mache. Has anyone
here actually had success in flushing the Koran down the thunderbox?

Push it with a bible.


--
Denis Loubet
dloubet@io.com
http://www.io.com/~dloubet

[#] Sun May 22 2005 02:49:40 EDT from mightbme @ Haven BBS

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man, where do you all come up with this stuff?

[#] Sun May 22 2005 02:51:42 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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usenet, in this case alt.politics.libertarian

Watching the stupidity of "No it isn't" and "Yes it is" gets boring quickly but occasionally there's a cherry.

[#] Sun May 22 2005 03:17:30 EDT from mightbme @ Haven BBS

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I used to get good stuff in email but there is a "law of diminishing returns" for that.

[#] Thu May 26 2005 05:18:14 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after
20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him
out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of
a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked
down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator!



Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.



"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy, you explain the kids."

[#] Fri May 27 2005 05:56:26 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house
was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and
after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little
feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place....smack his butt again.

[#] Thu Jun 02 2005 16:56:13 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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JUST TRYING TO HELP

a woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it
again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked

[#] Sun Jun 05 2005 07:07:21 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."

[#] Mon Jun 06 2005 11:37:24 EDT from PowerStar @ Haven BBS

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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."



[#] Tue Jun 07 2005 23:03:19 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

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heh... not bad :-)

[#] Wed Jun 08 2005 18:07:01 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Figure out which are real and which are Faux:

http://curlysurmudgeon.com/weird/google/

[#] Thu Jun 09 2005 05:58:13 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Recently some buddies were asking me if I changed my own oil. I gave them the
following analysis

My $0.02

Changing oil.

Alternative One: Do it myself


Activity Time Cost Type Amount

Go to Wal-Mart 5 min Mileage $0.70
Gas $0.36

Grab oil & filter 5 min 7 quarts $6.65
1 filter $4.95
Tax $0.70

Drive home 5 min Mileage $0.70
Gas $0.36

Find oil pan 2 min

Clean oil spill from the 5 min Paper Towels $0.25
residue in the pan
Kitty litter $0.80

Find filter wrench 1 min

Find socket & driver 1 min

Open hood 10 sec

Crawl under Suburban 30 sec

Hit head on underside .1 sec

Place pan under plug 10 sec

Place socket on plug 5 sec

Discover it's stuck 1 sec

Try to force plug free 30 sec

Break the nuts hold .1 sec

Bloody knuckles .1 sec

Discover oil stream .5 sec
is missing the pan

Move pan under stream 2 sec

Crawl out from under 30 sec

Hit head (again) .1 sec

Go inside 1 min

Find band aid 2 min Band-Aid $0.45

Clean hands 1 min

Get anther band-aid as the 10 sec Band-Aid $0.45
first is coated in oil

Try to open Band-Aid 30 sec
with wet hands

Put on Band-Aid 15 sec

Pick up Band-Aid 5 sec
(didn't stick to wet hands)

Dry hands 15 sec


Get 3rd Band-Aid 5 sec Band-Aid $0.45

Put on Band-Aid 15 sec

Clean up sink 2 min

Go back outside 30 sec

Crawl under Suburban 30 sec

Discover stream slowed and is 1 sec
short of pan

Move pan back to catch 5 sec
oil stream/drip

Simultaneously drag 0 sec
hand through oil spill

Wipe hand on pant leg 5 sec

Try to screw oil plug 5 sec
back into the pan

Drop plug into oil pan .1 sec

Fish plug out of pan 1 sec

Discover the oil is .5 sec
still hot

Quickly pull hand .1 sec
out of pan

Hit hand on oil pan .1 sec

Knock off Band-Aid .1 sec

Drop plug into pan .1 sec

Reach back in and grab plug 2 sec
grab plug

Successfully pull plug out .5 sec

Quietly cry due to 2nd degree 30 sec
Burns on right hand

Screw plug into pan 20 sec

Reach around for socket 20 sec

Realize socket is 1 sec
by my foot

Attempt to slide wrench up to 5 sec
Hand with my foot


Hit right knee on the running .1 sec
board

Imitate Yosemite Sam 10 sec

Crawl down to socket wrench 5 sec

Crawl back to oil pan 5 sec

Place socket on plug 3 sec

Tighten plug 2 sec

Hit pan with wrench .1 sec

Splash oil on hair .1 sec

Try to get away from .1 sec
scalding hot oil

Hit head on car .1 sec

Crawl out from under car 5 sec

Drag oil pan out 5 sec

Walk to front of car 5 sec

Examine the engine 2 min
for filter location

Reach down with left 2 sec
hand for filter

Burn hand on filter .1 sec

Grab filter wrench 1 sec

Manipulate wrench to 15 sec
get it around filter

Attempt to loosen it 10 sec

Force filter loose .1 sec

Hit hand on radiator .1 sec

Discover both hands 1 sec
have bloody knuckles

Grab towel 2 sec

Reach down with towel 10 sec
and loosen filter

Drop fully loosen filter .1 sec

Hit left foot with filter .1 sec

Quick lift left foot .1 sec

Hit left knee on front bumper .1 sec

Hop around like a bloomin' idiot 5 sec

Attempt to get new filter 15 sec
out of box

Give up and tear box open 1 sec

Get paper cut .1 sec

Grab a bottle of oil 5 sec

Open oil bottle 2 sec

Dab a drop of oil on finger 1 sec

Place bottle on ground 2 sec

Bead new filter with a mixture 2 sec
of oil & blood

Install new filter 15 sec

Kick open bottle of oil over .1 sec

Quickly bend over to grab bottle .1 sec


Hit head on grill .1 sec

Grab half empty bottle of oil .1 sec

Remove oil cap 5 sec

Fill crankcase with half bottle 30 sec
of oil While watching the spill
residue drip down outside of
the crank case

Switch empty bottle of oil 6 mins
with full (6 times)

Peel off contest flap to be
asked to "play again"
(6 times)

Pull final bottle out of 1 sec
crank case
1 sec

Knock oil cap off of engine .1 sec
block

Search for cap 3 mins

Find and grab cap on 5 sec
rocker arm

Wipe cap clean 10 sec

Place cap on case and 5 sec
tighten

Walk to driver's side 10 sec

Start Suburban 5 sec

Idle Suburban 30 sec

Turn off Suburban 1 sec

Return to front of car 10 sec

Pull out dip stick 5 sec

Clean dip stick 5 sec

Place dip stick back in 5 sec

Pull dip stick out again 5 sec

Attempt to read dipstick 15 sec

Realize I need reading glasses .1 sec

Hold stick as far back as 3 sec
possible

Discover I'm half a quart short 1 sec

Remember the half spilt quart .1 sec

Ponder whether to: 30 sec

a Walk to Wal-Mart
b Wait for wife to come home to drive to Wal-Mart
c Drive to Wal-Mart even though I'm a half quart short.


Decide:
a My left foot and both knees are killing me and my knuckles are still
bleeding, and there's no way I'm walking

b I'm not giving my wife the satisfaction of knowing I'm having trouble
changing the oil as she suggested taking the car to get the oil changed.

c Figure, what the heck, it can't be THAT bad can it? After all the wife drives
her car for 3000 miles w/o checking the oil, EVER.

Drive to Wal-Mart 5 min Mileage $0.70
Gas $0.36
Get pulled over by police as 5 sec
entering parking lot

Explain to office that the 30 sec
engine isn't on fire but just
burning off the excess oil
due to the oil that was
knocked over

Answer his question of 5 sec
"Why didn't you take the car
into get the oil changed"
in what I believed to be an
appropriate manner

Listen to an explanation on 90 sec
the definition of disorderly
conduct

Thank the officer politely for 15 sec
the elucidating explanation

Park the car 30 sec

Grab single bottle of oil 5 min 1 Quart $0.95
Tax $0.05

Go back to parking lot 30 sec

Open hood 10 sec

Remove oil cap carefully 10 sec
putting it on bumper

Pour half the bottle into 30 sec
crack case

Put cap back on bottle 5 sec

Put oil cap back on 10 sec

Close hood 5 sec

Look at half empty oil 1 sec
bottle on ground

Notice parked police car nearby 1 sec

Decide better 1 sec

Place bottle into receptacle 5 sec

Drive home 5 min Mileage $0.70
Gas $0.36

Notice wife is home and park 10 sec
in street

Search for oil pan 15 sec


Discover it just under wife's 1 sec
car's front right tire


Shrug and head inside 10 sec

Greeted by wife saying; 5 sec
"I noticed some oil in the
driveway. Is the car leaking?"

Smile and gently kiss wife 2 sec
on the forehead

Wipe oil/blood residue on 1 sec
wife's forehead

Grab a beer out of fridge 10 sec Beer $1.00
Deposit $0.05

Head back outside 30 sec

Back wife's car up 30 sec

Grab empty milk jug 5 sec

Carefully pour oil remaining in 30 sec
bent pan into jug

Enjoy the fact I didn't spill 10 sec
a single drop

Realize that the oil is still 1 sec
Hot enough to melt the plastic
Of the milk jug

Quickly run melting leaking 1.3 sec
jug to garbage can

Drop molten jug into garbage .1 sec
can

Grab kitty little bag 5 sec

Pour entire bag onto oil spill 15 sec Kitty Litter $2.15

Let oil seep into litter while 30 sec
chuggin my beer

Scoop up litter and pour into 30 sec
garbage can

Pull tire imprint out of pan 15 sec

Discover spilt oil on shirt .1 sec

Put pan and tools away 2 mins

Go inside 30 sec

Drop clothes into washer 45 sec

Add detergent 5 sec Detergent $0.50

Turn washer on 5 sec Water $0.05
Electric $0.25

Walk stark naked up to shower, 15 sec
wave to wife on the way

Turn on shower 5 sec

Test water 5 sec

Step in shower 2 sec

Freeze as washer pulls hot water 5 sec

Turn temperature up in shower 5 sec

Get scalded as washer stops 3 sec
pulling hot water

Turn water back down 2 sec

Complete shower 3 min Water $0.05
Soap $0.10
Shampoo $0.20

Dry off 30 sec

Put clean clothes on 2 min

Join wife downstairs as she 30 sec
mentions her oil light is on
================================ ======= ============= ======
Totals 67 mins $23.29


Alternative Two: Take it to the dealership



Activity Time Cost Type Cost Amount
Drop car off at dealership on 2 min $0.00
the way to work

Grab a Crispy Creme donut 5 sec FREE!

Get a courtesy ride to work FREE!
(same as everyday)

Work
(same as everyday)

Get a courtesy ride from work FREE!
(same as everyday)


Grab a Crispy Creme donut 5 sec FREE!

Pay for oil change 2 mins cost $21.99
Tax $1.32

Pick up keys and hop in car 50 sec
=============================== ====== =======
Totals 5 mins $23.31


Cost Savings for changing my own oil = $0.02

Personally, I'll give the dealership my two cents and grab a couple of donuts.


(c) Jackhole.net

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