The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's
status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her
to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then,
talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Stephanie !
driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him
to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung
out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid", I thought to myself. I ALWAYS
smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why.
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76
miles. Of these, 16 each way, is bumper-to-bumper, most
of the bumper-to-bumper is on eight-lane highway. So if
you just look at the seven lanes I am not in, that means
I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's seven cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works
out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though
the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings
the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any
given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life
as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that's 449; according
to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females
have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98,
and 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all
females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least
one female that:
1) has a lousy love life,
2) thinks men are her biggest problem,
3) has seriously considered suicide or homicide,
4) is having the worst day of her period, and
5) is armed.
No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.
) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car! --Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do
what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
children." --Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you
how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." --Conan
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish
burger and I realize, Oh my God .... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be
dead." --Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and
that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have
to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress
... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they
can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look
that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Author Unknown, presumed deceased
'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
'Put that thing away before you get us all killed.'
'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
'Sorry about the mess...'
'Look at the size of that thing!'
'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'
'I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.'
'Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?'
'There's an awful lot of moisture in here.'
'But now we must eat. Come, good food, come...'
'That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while.'
'Hurry up, golden-rod...'
'I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that,
'Possible he came in through the south entrance.'
'And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!'
'Control, control! You must learn control!'
'Hey, point that thing someplace else.'
'I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.'
'I never knew I had it in me.'
'There is good in him, I've felt it.'
'Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one.'
'Back door, huh? Good idea!'
'She's gonna blow!'
'I think you'll fit in nicely.'
'Rise, my friend.'
'Wedge! Pull out! You're not doing any good back there!'
wife: "I carried these children for 9 months, and brought them into this
world. I should have custody!"
husband: "When I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out,
does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
From: "Denis Loubet" <email@example.com>
Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 01:05:33 -0500
"The Black Wibble" <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote in message
I probably should have boiled it first... make it into a mache. Has anyonePush it with a bible.
here actually had success in flushing the Koran down the thunderbox?
usenet, in this case alt.politics.libertarian
Watching the stupidity of "No it isn't" and "Yes it is" gets boring quickly but occasionally there's a cherry.
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after
20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him
out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of
a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked
down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me
all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain
the toy, you explain the kids."
was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and
after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little
feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place....smack his butt again.
a woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it
again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked
(predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopy:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that."
Alternative One: Do it myself
Activity Time Cost Type Amount
Go to Wal-Mart 5 min Mileage $0.70
Grab oil & filter 5 min 7 quarts $6.65
1 filter $4.95
Drive home 5 min Mileage $0.70
Find oil pan 2 min
Clean oil spill from the 5 min Paper Towels $0.25
residue in the pan
Kitty litter $0.80
Find filter wrench 1 min
Find socket & driver 1 min
Open hood 10 sec
Crawl under Suburban 30 sec
Hit head on underside .1 sec
Place pan under plug 10 sec
Place socket on plug 5 sec
Discover it's stuck 1 sec
Try to force plug free 30 sec
Break the nuts hold .1 sec
Bloody knuckles .1 sec
Discover oil stream .5 sec
is missing the pan
Move pan under stream 2 sec
Crawl out from under 30 sec
Hit head (again) .1 sec
Go inside 1 min
Find band aid 2 min Band-Aid $0.45
Clean hands 1 min
Get anther band-aid as the 10 sec Band-Aid $0.45
first is coated in oil
Try to open Band-Aid 30 sec
with wet hands
Put on Band-Aid 15 sec
Pick up Band-Aid 5 sec
(didn't stick to wet hands)
Dry hands 15 sec
Get 3rd Band-Aid 5 sec Band-Aid $0.45
Put on Band-Aid 15 sec
Clean up sink 2 min
Go back outside 30 sec
Crawl under Suburban 30 sec
Discover stream slowed and is 1 sec
short of pan
Move pan back to catch 5 sec
Simultaneously drag 0 sec
hand through oil spill
Wipe hand on pant leg 5 sec
Try to screw oil plug 5 sec
back into the pan
Drop plug into oil pan .1 sec
Fish plug out of pan 1 sec
Discover the oil is .5 sec
Quickly pull hand .1 sec
out of pan
Hit hand on oil pan .1 sec
Knock off Band-Aid .1 sec
Drop plug into pan .1 sec
Reach back in and grab plug 2 sec
Successfully pull plug out .5 sec
Quietly cry due to 2nd degree 30 sec
Burns on right hand
Screw plug into pan 20 sec
Reach around for socket 20 sec
Realize socket is 1 sec
by my foot
Attempt to slide wrench up to 5 sec
Hand with my foot
Hit right knee on the running .1 sec
Imitate Yosemite Sam 10 sec
Crawl down to socket wrench 5 sec
Crawl back to oil pan 5 sec
Place socket on plug 3 sec
Tighten plug 2 sec
Hit pan with wrench .1 sec
Splash oil on hair .1 sec
Try to get away from .1 sec
scalding hot oil
Hit head on car .1 sec
Crawl out from under car 5 sec
Drag oil pan out 5 sec
Walk to front of car 5 sec
Examine the engine 2 min
for filter location
Reach down with left 2 sec
hand for filter
Burn hand on filter .1 sec
Grab filter wrench 1 sec
Manipulate wrench to 15 sec
get it around filter
Attempt to loosen it 10 sec
Force filter loose .1 sec
Hit hand on radiator .1 sec
Discover both hands 1 sec
have bloody knuckles
Grab towel 2 sec
Reach down with towel 10 sec
and loosen filter
Drop fully loosen filter .1 sec
Hit left foot with filter .1 sec
Quick lift left foot .1 sec
Hit left knee on front bumper .1 sec
Hop around like a bloomin' idiot 5 sec
Attempt to get new filter 15 sec
out of box
Give up and tear box open 1 sec
Get paper cut .1 sec
Grab a bottle of oil 5 sec
Open oil bottle 2 sec
Dab a drop of oil on finger 1 sec
Place bottle on ground 2 sec
Bead new filter with a mixture 2 sec
of oil & blood
Install new filter 15 sec
Kick open bottle of oil over .1 sec
Quickly bend over to grab bottle .1 sec
Hit head on grill .1 sec
Grab half empty bottle of oil .1 sec
Remove oil cap 5 sec
Fill crankcase with half bottle 30 sec
of oil While watching the spill
residue drip down outside of
the crank case
Switch empty bottle of oil 6 mins
with full (6 times)
Peel off contest flap to be
asked to "play again"
Pull final bottle out of 1 sec
Knock oil cap off of engine .1 sec
Search for cap 3 mins
Find and grab cap on 5 sec
Wipe cap clean 10 sec
Place cap on case and 5 sec
Walk to driver's side 10 sec
Start Suburban 5 sec
Idle Suburban 30 sec
Turn off Suburban 1 sec
Return to front of car 10 sec
Pull out dip stick 5 sec
Clean dip stick 5 sec
Place dip stick back in 5 sec
Pull dip stick out again 5 sec
Attempt to read dipstick 15 sec
Realize I need reading glasses .1 sec
Hold stick as far back as 3 sec
Discover I'm half a quart short 1 sec
Remember the half spilt quart .1 sec
Ponder whether to: 30 sec
a Walk to Wal-Mart
b Wait for wife to come home to drive to Wal-Mart
c Drive to Wal-Mart even though I'm a half quart short.
a My left foot and both knees are killing me and my knuckles are still
bleeding, and there's no way I'm walking
b I'm not giving my wife the satisfaction of knowing I'm having trouble
changing the oil as she suggested taking the car to get the oil changed.
c Figure, what the heck, it can't be THAT bad can it? After all the wife drives
her car for 3000 miles w/o checking the oil, EVER.
Drive to Wal-Mart 5 min Mileage $0.70
Get pulled over by police as 5 sec
entering parking lot
Explain to office that the 30 sec
engine isn't on fire but just
burning off the excess oil
due to the oil that was
Answer his question of 5 sec
"Why didn't you take the car
into get the oil changed"
in what I believed to be an
Listen to an explanation on 90 sec
the definition of disorderly
Thank the officer politely for 15 sec
the elucidating explanation
Park the car 30 sec
Grab single bottle of oil 5 min 1 Quart $0.95
Go back to parking lot 30 sec
Open hood 10 sec
Remove oil cap carefully 10 sec
putting it on bumper
Pour half the bottle into 30 sec
Put cap back on bottle 5 sec
Put oil cap back on 10 sec
Close hood 5 sec
Look at half empty oil 1 sec
bottle on ground
Notice parked police car nearby 1 sec
Decide better 1 sec
Place bottle into receptacle 5 sec
Drive home 5 min Mileage $0.70
Notice wife is home and park 10 sec
Search for oil pan 15 sec
Discover it just under wife's 1 sec
car's front right tire
Shrug and head inside 10 sec
Greeted by wife saying; 5 sec
"I noticed some oil in the
driveway. Is the car leaking?"
Smile and gently kiss wife 2 sec
on the forehead
Wipe oil/blood residue on 1 sec
Grab a beer out of fridge 10 sec Beer $1.00
Head back outside 30 sec
Back wife's car up 30 sec
Grab empty milk jug 5 sec
Carefully pour oil remaining in 30 sec
bent pan into jug
Enjoy the fact I didn't spill 10 sec
a single drop
Realize that the oil is still 1 sec
Hot enough to melt the plastic
Of the milk jug
Quickly run melting leaking 1.3 sec
jug to garbage can
Drop molten jug into garbage .1 sec
Grab kitty little bag 5 sec
Pour entire bag onto oil spill 15 sec Kitty Litter $2.15
Let oil seep into litter while 30 sec
chuggin my beer
Scoop up litter and pour into 30 sec
Pull tire imprint out of pan 15 sec
Discover spilt oil on shirt .1 sec
Put pan and tools away 2 mins
Go inside 30 sec
Drop clothes into washer 45 sec
Add detergent 5 sec Detergent $0.50
Turn washer on 5 sec Water $0.05
Walk stark naked up to shower, 15 sec
wave to wife on the way
Turn on shower 5 sec
Test water 5 sec
Step in shower 2 sec
Freeze as washer pulls hot water 5 sec
Turn temperature up in shower 5 sec
Get scalded as washer stops 3 sec
pulling hot water
Turn water back down 2 sec
Complete shower 3 min Water $0.05
Dry off 30 sec
Put clean clothes on 2 min
Join wife downstairs as she 30 sec
mentions her oil light is on
================================ ======= ============= ======
Totals 67 mins $23.29
Alternative Two: Take it to the dealership
Activity Time Cost Type Cost Amount
Drop car off at dealership on 2 min $0.00
the way to work
Grab a Crispy Creme donut 5 sec FREE!
Get a courtesy ride to work FREE!
(same as everyday)
(same as everyday)
Get a courtesy ride from work FREE!
(same as everyday)
Grab a Crispy Creme donut 5 sec FREE!
Pay for oil change 2 mins cost $21.99
Pick up keys and hop in car 50 sec
=============================== ====== =======
Totals 5 mins $23.31
Cost Savings for changing my own oil = $0.02
Personally, I'll give the dealership my two cents and grab a couple of donuts.