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[#] Tue May 03 2005 02:34:36 EDT from WhitShadoSoCal @ Haven BBS

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Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law:  Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:  Things get worse under pressure.

Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage.

(from "Murphy's Law and Other Reasons Why Things Go Wrong," by Arthur Bloch)



[#] Fri May 06 2005 19:05:03 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in
the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife
asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper.
His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and
decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their
daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their
daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the
father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew
out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that
it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for
something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful -
isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The
father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

[#] Fri May 06 2005 19:07:41 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to
one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both
super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one
who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all
night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and
said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

[#] Sun May 08 2005 19:56:43 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Southern Horoscope


OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very
slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look
back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away
from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb. 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A
chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and
has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can
erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BBQ (Feb 20 - Mar 20) BBQs are extremely social and enjoy the spice of
life.
They are creative and are often drawn to the arts and music. They are self
confident
and content with who they are. Taken to extremes, this trait may be
perceived as arrogant and elitist.
BBQs go well with Butter beans and Collards. Avoid possums and armadillos.

MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on
the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of
Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. This might be the year to
think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties,
possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a
don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people
actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not really healthy,
but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find
your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an
office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the
beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the
living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you
have a very, very good head.

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They
love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the
essence of those around them.. Collards make good social workers,
psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if
you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save
yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of
the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You
catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to
the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from
Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like
yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits.
You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a
club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon
or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things,
that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your
fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved
ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism
will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you
appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a
certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure
that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because
Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean,
should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no
matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,
shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior,
but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a
fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not
concerned with today's fashions and trends.
You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost
prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want
to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another possibility.

[#] Sun May 08 2005 20:38:05 EDT from PowerStar @ Haven BBS

Subject: OS Airlines

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Question: What is operating systems were airlines?

Unix Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.
They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece,
arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and let
the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump
on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and
act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are
gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and
everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just
shut up.

Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy
baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes
in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.



[#] Tue May 10 2005 03:28:44 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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TOP 10 AS SELECTED BY DUBYASPEAK VIEWERS

10. At this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly outta Ronald
Reagan Airport.
9. Laura and I will thank them from the bottom of my heart.
8. When you have your own money, it means you've got more money to spend.
7. The benefits of helping somebody is beneficial.
6. We're in for a long struggle, and I think Texans understand that. And so
do Americans.
5. Sometimes when I sleep at night I think of "Hop on Pop".
4. I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I
wasn't here.
3. And one of the things we've got to make sure that we do is anything.
2. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end.
1. Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better.

[#] Tue May 10 2005 05:13:42 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The Pope:

As I understand it, Ratzinger was not the Cardinals' first choice. That was,
interestingly, Cardinal Hans Grapje.

Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a Young man,
aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent
two years co-piloting bombers until his aircraft was shot down in
1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a
chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting
his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver
mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer
last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and
he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss
of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a
life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar,
mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he should never ascend to the
Papacy.

They felt that the Church would never accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying
purple Papal leader."

[#] Tue May 10 2005 22:15:21 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Some People Never Retire

One day while walking to the store I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same 6 old

ladies laying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me

and I went inside to talk to the manager.


"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they are having a yard sale".

[#] Tue May 10 2005 22:18:18 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find out
who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following
are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms
in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way.....
Who's yo Daddy! {note: Don't be these girls...lol} These are genuine
excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out number 11...........it takes
the prize and #3 is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered
by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but
I believe that he was conceived on the same night.



2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.



3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a
man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.



4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it
replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting
a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate
and that he is Christ risen again.



6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.




7. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at
the same time....well I don't have a clue.



9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.



10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.



11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[#] Tue May 10 2005 23:11:20 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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TOP 10 AS SELECTED BY THE EDITOR (from the remainder of the collection)

10. I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war.
9. I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well.
8. You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
7. No, I know all the war rhetoric, but it's all aimed at achieving peace.
6. My mom often used to say, "The trouble with W" -- although she didn't put that to words.
5. In 1994, there were 67 schools in Texas that were rated "exemplorary" according to our own tests.
4. I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right.
3. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.
2. I understand small business growth. I was one.
1. Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

[#] Fri May 13 2005 18:15:03 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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This is must reading
Subject: Distributed at Faculty meeting


This was handed out at the beginning of our faculty meeting this morning on
very official-looking paper:

In response to President Bush's federal "No Child Left Behind Act" (N C L B ),
it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be promoted to the
next grade level. In the hope that this proposal
will be uniformly adopted by all of the states, the new test will be called the
Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or FART. All students who cannot pass a
FART in the second grade will be re-tested
in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART score of 80%.

If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be
placed in a separate English program known as the Special Mastery Elective for
Learning Language, or SMELL. If, with this
increased SMELL program, the student cannot pass the required FART test, he or
she can still graduate to middle school by taking another one semester course
in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation, or CRAP.

If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she can earn
promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the Preparatory Reading for
Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or PRUNES.

It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools (DIPS)
that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or
CRAP. This revised provision of the student
component of the House Bill >101 should help "clear the air" as part of the
"No School Left Standing" Act.

[#] Fri May 13 2005 22:38:49 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

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If only they would listen to sense, and implement the Beginners Education And Natural Sciences course (BEANS), the whole project would have been accomplished much more cheaply.

[#] Sat May 14 2005 08:18:38 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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"The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and
the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."

http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Larry_Hardiman

[#] Sun May 15 2005 05:45:42 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Three ducks walked into a bar. "Say, what's your name?" the bartender
asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply."How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day.
Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck
want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number
two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've
had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else
could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So,you must be
Louie?" "No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

[#] Mon May 16 2005 23:52:42 EDT from Rocci @ Anansi-Del

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The latest e-mail from Scott:

Monday, May 16th was good day. Jeanne was released from sedation this

morning, and for the first time since last Wednesday, we could look into her
eyes and see Jeanne. She could not talk because the resporator is still in,
but she was able to follow some commands, and seemed to follow
conversations, but for only 10-15 minutes at a time, before she would dose

off to sleep again. I am sure she is quite confused about what happened,

and over time things will hopefully become clearer for her. See does have

movement in most parts of her body, but not sure yet how much and control,

we are hoping for the best (why not aim high). Most of the medications have

been either reduced or stopped entirely, as her body adjusts to current

conditions.
have recommended a conservative approach to bringing her around,
so that is the course we will be following over the next few days. Today

was a very enlighting day, but we still have lots of hard work ahead, so

keep all those prayers coming.
t our way.

[#] Tue May 17 2005 02:02:16 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Gee, I hope that was a posted in the wrong room...

Sometimes frereal life dialong  g is funneir thanier than a joke:
From usenet:
The VERY first thing they teach new journalism students is "If your mother
says she loves you -- check it out and find corroborating evidence!"

Take a look at who owns Newsweek (and NBC, CNBC, MSNBC...): GE. It's not
hard to find overlap between the important people in and around GE, and
the important people in and around the present administration. Seems to me
that this sort of situation could very easily have been fabricated as a
pretext for tighter government control over the news media. The
framework's already in place; various Bush Administration staffers are
already grumbling that Newsweek's torpid response -- apologizing, but not
retracting -- is inadequate. It's very easy to foresee next steps that
involve curtailing press freedom so their "mistakes" don't hinder the
efforts of TWAT, The War Against Terrorism.

TWAT. I like that. Bush and Dick fight TWAT. You can't pay for
entertainment this good.

[#] Tue May 17 2005 13:02:27 EDT from georbit @ Haven BBS

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:-)

[#] Tue May 17 2005 15:28:38 EDT from wizard of aahz @ Haven BBS

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Curly - I always thought that the first rules of journalism and courtroom questioning were the same.. Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.

[#] Tue May 17 2005 15:33:45 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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Whiz: In law absolutely but I think the standard, and risk, is lower for journalism.

[#] Wed May 18 2005 00:28:58 EDT from PowerStar @ Haven BBS

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No, Bush and Dick are pushing for TWAT.  A lot of TWAT. 

In fact, they want to take their TWAT to several other countries.. ;-)



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