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[#] Thu Mar 31 2005 16:25:08 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just
going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,


"Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

"Who ?"

"Moishe Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like
my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have
happened like that to Moishe every single time."

"There are always a few black clouds over everybody."

"Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone
on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway
star."

"He was something, huh ?"

"He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to
eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a
fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Moishe."

"Then how do you know so much about him ?"

"I married his widow."

[#] Fri Apr 01 2005 18:21:42 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk
about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who
is
eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the
hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but
I ain't niver seen nobody do it!"

[#] Tue Apr 05 2005 23:39:52 EDT from Starman @ PixelBBS

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What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

They both come on little crackers ;)

[#] Thu Apr 07 2005 13:15:50 EDT from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles
over
the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with
a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's
your
hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work
my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both
hands
in,
and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet
wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he
asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

[#] Thu Apr 07 2005 15:25:23 EDT from Firestorm @ PixelBBS

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[*laugh*]

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 06:58:54 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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In February 2003, Dubya and Dickya wandered into a Texas bar, so
Dubya could do a little secret drinkin'. Dubya's sayin', "I'm telling
ya, they WON'T." and Dickya's sayin', "Well I'm not so sure."

So Dubya waves over the bartender. "Whatsyername, son?"

"Joe," says the bartender.

"Well, Joe, lemme tell ya. We got some plans for the next few weeks,
and I'd like to know what you think."

"Well, ok."

"Good. Joe, we're aimin' to invade I-raq. And when we get there,
we're gonna blow the living shit outta 50,000 I-raqis and one fine,
big-tittied, blond woman. Waddaya think?"

And Joe says, "Why would you want to blow the living shit out of
a fine, big-tittied, blond woman?"

And Dubya turns to Dickya and says, "See Dick? I TOLD you no one
would give a fuck about 50,000 dead I-raqis."

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:12:54 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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On the day of the wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all
her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day. Unfortunately they were a
bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Camilla's feet were
agony. When she and Charles withdrew to their room the only thing she could
think of
was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to
the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining
noises
and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charles say "God
that was tight"
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then to their surprise, they heard Charles say. "Right. Now for the other
one." Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charles said, "My
God. That was even tighter"
That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:27:36 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?

A. Beat it! We're closed.


Q: How can you tell Michael Jackson's having an orgy at Never Neverland?

A: By all the Big Wheels parked outside!

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:31:27 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.

When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:33:10 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that
he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:37:09 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store
and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the
grape using only your tongue."

He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take
your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:41:08 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would
like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy
clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she
approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:43:03 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Two hicks from West Virginia got married and were having their honeymoon
in a local motel. They begin doing what honeymooners always do, but right
before they consummate the marriage the woman says, "Be gentle, I'm a
virgin."

The man is shocked and visibly upset and storms out of the room without
saying a word. He goes home to his family and tells them what happened,
and his dad agrees, "If she isn't good enough for her own family, she sure
as hell isn't good enough for you!"

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:45:49 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.

[#] Sat Apr 09 2005 07:48:28 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception
committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the
myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the
Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and
begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most
recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running
to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and
muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'”.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'...
the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

[#] Sun Apr 10 2005 10:43:49 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Ms. Camilla Parker Bowles wishes it to be known that she is very pleased
with the wedding arrangements, but, has turned down the Queen's offer of
a weekend in Paris with a car and a driver.

[#] Thu Apr 21 2005 05:22:55 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan
and headed up north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a
terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled infor
the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was
from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do you remember that good-
looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North."

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
have sex with her?"

"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit
that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do
you ask?"

"No need to apologize, Bob.She just died of AIDS and left me everything!

[#] Sat Apr 23 2005 07:04:03 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging
along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine
sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did
he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

[#] Sun Apr 24 2005 06:34:04 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she
wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the
rest of my life?"



"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.



There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering,
then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO
REFILLS'."

[#] Sun Apr 24 2005 06:34:25 EDT from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he
insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was
about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.



"Yes, Dad, what is it?"



"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you
and your wife...."

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