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[#] Fri Mar 11 2005 20:12:26 EST from Curly Surmudgeon @ Haven BBS

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The kid joke was quite funny, thanks.

[#] Sun Mar 13 2005 22:40:01 EST from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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An older gentleman joins a nudist colony.

Walking around, in the buff, he comes across a very attractive young lady, sunning herself.

Finding the young lady to be stunning, the older gentleman becomes aroused.

"Did you call for me?" the young lady asks.

"I beg your pardon," replies the gentleman.

"Well, you've become hard while looking at me, so you must have called for me. You may now have your way with me," states the young lady, matter-of-factly.

The gentlman has his way with the young lady, and then makes his way to the hot tub. Relaxing in the tub, he passes a rather large amount of gas.

Suddenly, in comes a rather large, burly fellow, who asks the gentleman "Did you call for me?"

"I beg your pardon," replies the gentleman.

"Well, you just farted, so you must have called me. Now, I get to have my way with you," says the burly fellow.

With that, the burly fellow bends the older gentleman over, and has his way with him.

After that was over, the older gentleman gets dressed, and heads over to the office, whereupon he tosses his membership card onto the director's desk.

"Is there a problem?" asks the director.

"You bet there is," says the gentleman. "I only get a hard-on once a month, but I fart every 15 minutes!"

[#] Thu Mar 17 2005 20:50:49 EST from Mystee @ PixelBBS

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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

[#] Thu Mar 17 2005 20:51:37 EST from Mystee @ PixelBBS

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The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due
to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of
the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% ofthe
time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Effective January 1, 2005, penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

[#] Thu Mar 17 2005 20:55:40 EST from Mystee @ PixelBBS

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Once upon a time,


in a land far away,

a beautiful, independent,


self-assured princess


happened upon a frog as she sat,


contemplating ecological issues


on the shores of an unpolluted pond


in a verdant meadow near her castle.


The frog hopped into the princess' lap


and said: Elegant Lady,


I was once a handsome prince,


until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.


One kiss from you, however,


and I will turn back


into the dapper, young prince that I am


and then, my sweet, we can marry


and set up housekeeping in your castle


with my mother,

where you can prepare my meals,


clean my clothes, bear my children,


and forever

feel grateful and happy doing so.


That night,


as the princess dined sumptuously


on lightly sautied frog legs


seasoned in a white wine


and onion cream sauce,


she chuckled and thought to herself:


I don't freaking think so.

[#] Sat Mar 19 2005 07:21:47 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry," said the
first one.

"Me too" said the second. "Lets fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground
full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said
the first one.

"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun." said
the second.

"O.K." said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner had they fallen
asleep, than a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,

"I love baskin' robins."

[#] Sat Mar 19 2005 07:22:41 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A guy walks into a bar, sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up

behind her he said,

"Hi, there, good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks she turned around, faced him,

looked him straight in the eye and said,

"Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place,

front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me.

I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding! I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

[#] Sat Mar 19 2005 07:25:44 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A guy goes to the US Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," the man replies, "I was in Vietnam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment,"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles

To which the interviewer responds, "Okay, I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Be here at
10:00 AM."

The man is puzzled by this and asks, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to
4:00 PM, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says, "for the first two hours
we sit around scratching our balls - no point in you coming in early for

[#] Sat Mar 19 2005 07:27:10 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Harry just bought a new hog from his cousin. He says, "Damn, that's a nice
chopper. So shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?" His cousin says, "Welp,
anytime it's about to rain, I coat all the chrome with a little Vaseline so it
won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing it anymore since the bike's yours.
Here's my tube!" So, Harry goes to pick up his ol' lady Alice on the
motorcycle. They're going to her parents house for dinner and Harry's going to
meet them for the first time ever.

On the way, Alice says to him, "My family is little strange. You can't talk
during dinner. One of the rules is the first person to talk during dinner has
to wash the dishes." He thinks for a moment. "Allright, no prob."

When they arrive, not only in the kitchen sink, but in the dining room, living
room, on the stairs, the back porch -- EVERYWHERE -- just piles and piles of
dirty dishes. Obviously haven't done the dishes in months, perhaps years. They
sit down to eat and throughout the whole mean, nobody says a thing. During
dessert, Harry's a little horny. Figuring nobody is going to say anything, he
start boffin' Alice right there at the dining room table.

He's still a little horny and notices that Alice's mom is ... kinda cute so he
figures what the hell. He takes Mom, tosses her on the table, and starts doing
her. Once he's done with her, he looks out the window and sees it's starting to
rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tube of
Vaseline ...

Jumping up, Alice's father screams, "ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO THE FUCKING

[#] Sun Mar 20 2005 06:30:03 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Subject: Matt Groening
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips
over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

[#] Fri Mar 25 2005 16:49:03 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Instructions on how to clean your toilet.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


The Dog

[#] Fri Mar 25 2005 16:50:52 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping for some
unmaternity clothes. When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell
was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was

She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all

The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"

[#] Fri Mar 25 2005 16:51:13 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over
at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time
now. Do you know him?"

"Yes," she replies, "he's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that
since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could
celebrate that long."

[#] Fri Mar 25 2005 16:54:21 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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Airplane deficiencies ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, &
then pilots re-review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots & the
solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
<>(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
<>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.
<>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200' per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
<>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level. <>
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for. <>
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. <>
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right. <>
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. <>
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft sternly warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious. <>
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[#] Fri Mar 25 2005 17:02:31 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a
clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an
assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee
to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in
action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the damn thing and pushed the button. Nothing.......I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (REAL men don't need any stinkin'
directions), I found, much to my chagrin, that this particular model would not
create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!

I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I
did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee!!! I'm easily amused, but for your information, I have yet to explain
to my girl what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc....

There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul),
reading the directions (that would be me, reading, not the dog) and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must
admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want SOME
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think
that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way!!! Trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next
is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. You have a pretty good idea
of what followed.

I'm sitting there, alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side
as if to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-- always twenty- twenty. It
is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT! I'm
pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of
that recliner, then body-slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples singed,
testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me, making sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
again! Do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of
caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You are NOT going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
wedge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-B!TCH, that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as
my bottom lip weighed 8 ounces give or take an ounce. By the way, has anyone
seen my testicles? I think they flew away. I'm offering a reward. They're
round, rather large. Miss 'em . . . . sure would like to get'em back.

[#] Fri Mar 25 2005 17:13:25 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the
South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the
difference in lifestyles:

The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services, The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names, The South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits.

The North has green salads, The South has collard greens

The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt..

In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a
four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try
to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same not
buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is
plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or
"big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this
way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out
of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It
doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to
pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.


If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept
them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't
call 'em biscuits.

[#] Fri Mar 25 2005 17:14:48 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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*While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along
with a dog and
a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog
you got

*Mind if I speak to him?"*

*Indian: "Dog no talk."*

*Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"*

*Dog: "Doin' alright."*

*Indian:( Look of shock *

*Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the
Indian *

*Dog: "Yep"*

*Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"*

*Dog: "Real good He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."*

*Indian:( Look of disbelief )*

*Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"*

*Indian: "Horse no talk."*

*Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"*

*Horse: "Good."*

*Indian:( Extreme look of shock *

*Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian *

*Horse: "Yep."*

*Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"*

*Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes
me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."*

*Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement *

*Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"*

*Indian: "Sheep liar."*

[#] Sun Mar 27 2005 01:39:51 EST from georbit @ Haven BBS

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9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


The Dog

Finally, a use for cats! :-)

[#] Sun Mar 27 2005 01:40:24 EST from georbit @ Haven BBS

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The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"


[#] Thu Mar 31 2005 16:24:15 EST from Patriot @ PixelBBS

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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine
bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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