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[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 08:20:16 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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I thought they were from East Chewtica. For years they wouldn't build a Olive Garden in the area because there
were too many great Italian restaurants.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 08:39:46 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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I guess the guys from Italy aren't real Italians.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 09:07:29 EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

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"Olive Garden" is ****not**** an Italian restaurant.
At best it is a pale imitation.
At its usual level of nonperformance it approaches mediocre on a good day.
They do serve some interesting "adult beverages" (thank you, Rush) that you will not find elsewhere, with some even having ersatz-Italian names.
They do *not* stock Truly Good Single Malt Scotch (sorry, Glenlivet 12 does not count as Truly Good - merely and barely passable).
They do not stock any Truly Good Italian Wines and much to their disgrace, even their "house" red - "Dago Red" - is worse than mediocre. No, they do not call it "Dago Red" since they would consider that politically incorrect (and believe me, a good Dago Red is a treat beyond description with a good dinner of macaroni, meatballs, sausage and salad!).

If Olive Garden is your only choice - as in "I live in BumbFuck Egypt and there is absolutely nothing around here other than OG" - then here is what I'd recommend you do:

1. get yourself a bunch of nice full ripe but firm fresh picked tomatoes, mash them up in your food processor, adding more tomatoes until you end up with about a quart of pulverized red glop. Put it in a medium sized saucepan. Set your burner to medium.

2. add in about a tablespoon of ground oregano. Stir it in.

3. add in about a half tablespoon of ground basil. Stir it in.

4. add in about 3 tablesoons of grated Locatelli Romano cheese. Stir it in.

5. take two pieces of "Italian Sweet" sausage. Cut each piece in thirds. Put into sauce. Stir.

6. do the same with two pieces of "Italian Hot" sausage.

7. add 10 ounces of your favorite Dago Red (***cheap*** but genuine Chianti). Stir.

Raise the heat on the concoction to high, stir until it starts to boil.
Then cut the heat ****way**** back - put lid on saucepan.
Stir once every 15 minutes.
Let cook for roughly three (3) hours.

8. prepare a large stockpot (at least a 12 quart pot) by lining the bottom of the pot with roughly 2 ounces of olive oil and about a teaspoon of salt.

9. go back to your already cooking tomato gravy (it is NOT "sauce" - we Italians call it GRAVY!) and add in about a tablespoon of *granulated* garlic and stir in.

10. Now go back to that stock pot and fill it to about a couple inches short of the brim with *cold* water. Set it on the stove and just leave it there. You'll use this to cook your capellini (macaroni - thin spaghetti).

The Salad:

11. take a half of a head of iceburg lettuce. Clean it up in nice cold water, then pull it apart to size the lettuce to personal preference. Throw it into a large salad bowl.

12. cut up two large tomatoes and toss them into the salad bowl.

13. throw in a dozen or so large pitted black olives.

14. add hot peppers as preferred (your non-Italian grocery probably sells "pepperoncinis" - while not in the least Italian, they will suffice.

15. dice up about a quarter of a peeled yellow onion - throw into the salad.

16, core and de-seed a green bell pepper. Cut up into smallish chunks and throw it into the salad.

17. toss the salad until everything is generously intermixed. DO NOT put any dressing or oil or vinegar on the salad. That is something each person will do to his/her individual portion "at table." Please note that "oil" is Extra Virgin Olive Oil - nothing else will suffice. "Vinegar" is red wine vinegar - anything else is sacrilege and will turn your salad to inedible garbage.


18. go back to that grayy pot, give it a good stir.

TWO HOURS LATER (assuming the gravy has now been cooking for 3 hours)

19. put maximum heat under the stock pot and bring to a full rolling boil.

20. add ONE POUND of capellini, and immediately start stirring. DO NOT leave this unattended or it will "boil over" - do not cover the pot - same reason.

21. be prepared to stir the macaroni until it starts 'rolling' in the pot. Once that happens, your only task is to watch. After about five minutes it should be ready. Taste one - it will be VERY hot so be careful - it should be "ever so slightly chewy" (the snobs call it 'al dente'). Do not over cook the spaghetti or you will end up eating mush.

22. turn off the burner. Remove the stock pot. Pour through a "collander" (in our house we call that a 'spaghetti stop - water go') which is basically a macaroni strainer. Throw the macaroni into your serving bowl then back ino
the collander to drain, then into the bowl, then the collander - then it should be ok to put into the bowl and leave it there.

23. gently sprinkle some olive oil over the macaroni and use your spaghetti fork to get the oil mixed in with the macaroni.

24. go back to the stove - give the gravy one last good stir - turn off the burner.

25. Place a ***generous*** amount of gravy on the macaroni, which will start to absorb the gravy about as fast as you can stir it in. Do not overdo this.

26. Remove the sausages and place into a small serving bowl.

27, Sprinkle some grated Romano on top of the macaroni.

Now bring everything to the table.

Serves three.


[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 09:56:20 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Mon Sep 01 2014 03:47:01 PM EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored
That's because real Italians live (or have lived) within 50 miles of the Bronx (which explains the identical radius of availability of Real Pizza).

Real Italians are from New York. Not from Indiana, not from Italy, and *definitely* not from Chicago.

I thought real Italians were from Italy...damn...geography again.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 10:02:56 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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ummmmm, I don't like Olive Garden.... I was just commenting on how OG wouldn't open a location in the area
because of all the authentic Italian food.

and I know how to make sauce. TYVM.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 10:31:55 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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I'd much rather go to a mom-and-pop Italian restaurant...but in central Indiana, those are few and far between.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 10:49:41 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Olive Garden and other chains do well in places like NYC because they attract tourists.

Tourists don't know how to seek out the good places to eat (in *any* style of cuisine) so they simply eat the brands they already know.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 10:58:50 EDT from Freakdog @ Dog Pound BBS II

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Screw that...if I'm in NYC, I'm going to go hit Little Italy.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 11:27:37 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Or they have people like Melvin in tow, where finding a decent restaurant is more an exercize in dart-throwing and dumb luck than anything else, so you stick with what you know will work.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 12:42:20 EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

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and I know how to make sauce.

Real Italians do ***not*** put "sauce" on their macaroni.
It's called *****gravy*****.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 12:48:14 EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

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Tourists don't know how to seek out the good places to eat (in *any*

style of cuisine) so they simply eat the brands they already know.

That's easy - just follow the locals. Eat where *they* eat. And if still in doubt, and in Brooklyn, look for the mob guys and ask one where the good "real" Italian food can be had. Seriously. And for the record, that *used* to work in South Philly quite well. Of course, these days there's not much of La Familia left down there... :(

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 13:43:27 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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Real Italians do ***not*** put "sauce" on their macaroni.

I yant Italian, capire?

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 13:51:33 EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

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2014-09-02 13:43 from zooer @uncnsrd
Real Italians do ***not*** put "sauce" on their macaroni.

I yant Italian, capire?


[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 14:18:16 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Er, regressus ad lingua matris. "Reguressus"?

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 14:17:54 EDT from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Reguressus ad lingua matris!

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 20:15:49 EDT from Sig @ Uncensored

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I'm glad I don't have such good taste as some of y'all. I can eat just about anywhere and enjoy myself, and I've never once been tempted to write a pages-long screed about the proper way to cook something.

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 21:29:20 EDT from zooer @ Uncensored

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I really don't care either. I love to cook, but I don't like recipes. OG doesn't bother me because I know what
I am getting into, I would rather have "real" Italian food, but I know what OG is and my expectations are not

Pizza however has to be deep dish Chicago style.......


[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 22:18:10 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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<< changes mind, shoots the troll >>

[#] Tue Sep 02 2014 22:18:00 EDT from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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I won't refuse to eat at an Olive Garden ... it just isn't real Italian food.
It's basically frozen dinners served at a table.

<< IGnores the troll >>

[#] Wed Sep 03 2014 00:45:50 EDT from vince-q @ Uncensored

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Olive Garden is ok as a 'corporate chain restaurant' can ever be.
It is just *not* an Italian joint. Ever.

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