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[#] Tue Dec 04 2007 17:32:34 EST from truffle @ Uncensored

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err, except you do it on a turkey ;)

[#] Sat Dec 08 2007 11:08:47 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

Subject: Omelette, anyone?

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I haven't made an omelette in rather a while, but I felt like making one today.

I still have the touch.

I do not feel I can cook a great many things, but I can walk away from a kitchen knowing that, at the very least, I can cook an omelette. And if I've heard from others correctly, other people can't always seem to prepare a decent one.

There's no excuse for this.

Omelettes are obscenely simple to create, if hard to spell (damned French people with their stupid spelling).  If I can make one, you can make one.  And you can make a fucking good one, too.

I prepared this morning's omelette differently from others I've made, but I still enjoyed it immensely.  Perhaps you should stop what you're doing right now, and make an omelette.  Shit, maybe I should return to the kitchen and make another one.

Be greedy.  This omelette is for you, and you only.  Don't give it to anyone else.  Make them make their own.

Crack two eggs.  If you separate the yolks from the whites, jump in a river and drown, because you don't deserve this omelette.  You deserve a good river-drowning.  Hopefully in a freezing cold river, so your mouth won't work right.

Obviously, you don't want to leave any egg shells in the bowl.  If you do that, you're unspeakably stupid, and probably need death therapy.  You can find plenty of death therapists in Iraq.  Look for the long-bearded men in the funny outfits.

You want to scramble these fuckers worse than George Bush's speech patterns.  Now, there's a bit of a trick here... when you're scrambling these things, make sure you do it in a way that makes it bubble some.  Those bubbles help make the omelette fluffier.  If you're really serious, don't use a fork, but use a blender or some other thing that can scramble these well.  I'm never that serious, though, and find myself content with the fork.

While scrambling the eggs, give them a little spice.  Today, I used some ground garlic powder, fresh sea salt, celery seeds, and parsley flakes... just barely enough to taste, not overwhelm.  You are, after all, eating the eggs, not the spices.  Let your concience be your guide.  If you have a bad conscience, let someone else's conscience be your guide.

At some point, you need to focus on your pan.  I used an omelette pan, a staple in most kitchens.  I've only heard of kitchens that lack a decent omelette pan, never actually seen one, except in third world countries where it's impossible to find air, let alone metal.  Once you've pull that fucker out and put it on your stove (obviously, you have a stove.  I mean, fuck, you're not a damned neanderthal, right?) you want to find some unsalted butter.

Now, this is very important... "Butter Is Love."

If you haven't figured this out, please murder your parents for abusing you so badly.  They really do not deserve to live.

Take about a tablespoon of this love, and put it in the pan.  Heat the pan on high until the butter is not only liquid, but it's also brown.  Make sure you coat the surface with this stuff.  This will both flavor your omelette a little, and prevent it from sticking to your pan, even if it's made out of carpet.  Which it isn't, because it's an omelette pan.

Once that love is brown (and, honestly, who doesn't like brown love?), pour the egg into the pan.  It should sizzle, and immediately start to turn solid at the places where it touches the pan.  Using anything you want, lift the sides of this solid stuff to pour more liquid... the idea here is to make as much of the egg turn solid as possible while it's in the pan, while making sure that all of the egg becomes solid as one unit (not a bunch of little solids, but one large solid).

As you do this, you'll notice that you can't really make *all* of the egg turn solid this way, just a good bit of it.  Once you have most of it done like this, reduce the heat to low, bring out the cheese, and layer half of the omelette with this cheese.  If you want to add bacon, go for it... but just half the pan, not the whole thing.  You can put all kinds of things in an omelette... just sort of need to decide what you like.  You will eventually fold the omelette along this half... that's why you don't coat the whole omelette with it (otherwise, you'll have a really thick center of stuff, and the edges will be lacking... it won't be uniform).

After you finish putting all the goodies on the soon-to-be omelette, cover the pan with a lid.  This will help melt the toppings into the omelette, and solidify the last remaining egg-bits.  If you missed it, your heat really should be low at this point.. otherwise, you're going to burn the omelette.  If you burn an omelette, you have to let a porpoise fuck you.  Sorry... them's the rules.  Burn an omelette, get raped by a horny porpoise.  That's just how it works.   And, frankly, you deserve it for wasting a good omelette that way.

After about 10 seconds or so, turn off the heat, and slide the omelette onto your plate.  As you slide it onto the plate, fold it along the half-ingrediants-line you must have made.  This will help keep the omelette warm, even as it helps melt the ingrediants some more.  Voila!  Your omelette is done.

Once the smell drives you out of your mind, eat the omelette.  Don't look back, and keep your family members away.  You made this fucker for yourself... tell them to make their own.  It doesn't matter if the kid is only 3 years old and can't reach the stove, tough luck... better grow up fast if you want a decent omelette.

[#] Sat Dec 08 2007 11:14:28 EST from wizard of aahz @ Uncensored

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<waits for this to appear on IG's list of classic posts> Beautiful fleeb. At the beginning of your post I was going to say that most males, even those that have no pretension of cooking can make an omlette, but not like yours and certainly not with your attitude..

[#] Sat Dec 08 2007 13:03:19 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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For some reason, this morning's omelette really moved me.  I had to write something about it.  You don't let an omelette that good go by without taking notice in some way.

[#] Sat Dec 08 2007 17:53:51 EST from IGnatius T Foobar @ Uncensored

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Definitely one for the archive. Whatever was in those eggs that made fleeb write like that, we've got to track it down and send over some more of it.

[#] Sat Dec 08 2007 19:39:49 EST from Heather @ Uncensored

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Hell, that was the best omelette that I've ever had while not having it.

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 00:04:11 EST from Ladyhawke @ Uncensored

Subject: Re:Omelette, anyone?

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Damn, fleeb - that post was so yummy it made me hungry!  And wish that I hadn't used my last two eggs for hollandaise sauce.....

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 08:15:18 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Off to the LSD camps with you, Ladyhawke.  You don't allow your refridgerator to run out of eggs.  If you do that, you can't make an omelette.  And that's wrong.

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 08:18:10 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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(Bah... it occured to me that most people wouldn't know my particularly obscure movie reference... so: )

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 08:33:41 EST from triLcat @ Uncensored

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Fleeb - indeed an excellent post, though it did not change my mind. I chose to make my eggs sunnyside up instead of omelette today.

Ladyhawke - as long as you didn't make it to eat elsewhere. Everyone knows, there's no place like home for the hollandaise.  

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 08:36:15 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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*beats triLcat senseless for the bad pun*

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 10:27:11 EST from triLcat @ Uncensored

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thanks, but I prefer electric shocks. I'm fairly convinced that migraines are a form of electrical storm that takes place in the brain.

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 16:45:09 EST from dothebart @ Uncensored

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yak. eggs *rollseyes* get lost with that. i don't want to smell it, and i don't want to taste them.

btw, as you mentioned it... with half an hour car ride from here, i'll be in neanderthal. 

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 17:08:36 EST from Monochrome @ Uncensored

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mmmm... Omelettes... I'll go 3 eggs though, w/a little worcester, dried mustard and dill (lots of dill). Oh, and don't be a wuss, flip the omelette in the pan, only takes a little flick of the wrist. Makes me hungry... :)

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 20:33:11 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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Flip it if you want, but it isn't necessary.  My omelettes are fine without flippin'.

I haven't tried the other ingrediants, though... sounds good. 

[#] Sun Dec 09 2007 20:33:58 EST from fleeb @ Uncensored

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*ponders the significance, if any, of being German and hating eggs*

[#] Mon Dec 10 2007 01:03:38 EST from Ladyhawke @ Uncensored

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Mmmm....worcester sauce! 

Sun Dec 09 2007 08:15:18 AM EST from fleeb@uncnsrd

Off to the LSD camps with you, Ladyhawke. You don't allow your refridgerator to run out of eggs. If you do that, you can't make an omelette. And that's wrong.

<laughs> But, but, but....I'm only *barely* older!


[#] Mon Dec 10 2007 01:55:23 EST from triLcat @ Uncensored

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I like to fry up onions and mushrooms and add them later. Since I don't wash the pan in between, it gives the whole thing an oniony flavor :)

[#] Mon Dec 10 2007 08:49:56 EST from Monochrome @ Uncensored

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Actually, I was in Vegas a few weeks ago and watching the buffet omlette cook make them I noticed something interesting, he adds the veggies & meat first, and then leaves them in there when he adds the eggs. Seems backwards to me, but I've got to admit, the omelette turned out great.

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